my heart's on my sleeve but it's turning black
by Potion
Summary: A hurt and pissed off Amy Raudenfeld has always lashed out - like throwing croquembouches, sleeping with Liam, and attempting to sabotage Farrah's first marriage after her dad left them. But until now she's always had Karma by her side to keep her from going too far, and this is the first time she's lashed out at herself. My idea of post-S1.
1. chapter one

Summary: A hurt and pissed off Amy Raudenfeld has always lashed out - throwing croquembouches, sleeping with Liam, attempting to sabotage Farrah's first marriage after her dad left them. But she's always had Karma by her side to keep her from going too far, and this is the first time she's lashed out at herself. My idea of post-S1.  
>Author's Note: This will be AU post-season 1, judging by the promos for S2. I wanted to wait and have it complete before posting it but I also wanted to have it up before S2 started. I've written it out of order so some updates will probably come faster than others, just bear with me please. Also, as a warning, there will be some original characters but none of them will be major players in the story (because personally, I'm not a fan of OCs being as important as one of the real characters). They're a means to an end, if you will. Anyway, enough of this - read, (hopefully) enjoy, and let me know what you think!<p>

**my heart's on my sleeve but it's turning black.  
>chapter 1.<strong>

Amy wakes up to a pounding against her temples and a painful throbbing between her legs. She can't remember anything from last night after eating cake with Lauren and drinking more champagne but she's not dumb, either. She doesn't have any clothes on and her skin is sticky with dried sweat. As much as she wishes it wasn't true it doesn't take long for her to realize what happened here.

She lost her virginity. To a guy she probably doesn't know on a night she can't remember. She might never find out who he is. This isn't what she wanted her first time to be like – after all, wasn't she the one who convinced Karma to wait, if only for a little while, to not lose her virginity to some guy who didn't love her? – but then again, her life has felt like a downward spiral lately that she's been powerless to stop. Maybe this is only fitting.

She can't remember a thing, but she still feels dirty. Like his touches tainted her, like she tainted herself. It's a feeling Amy can't get rid of even after she showers and washes her sheets and she wonders if it will ever go away.

She can't stand to have Karma staring at her so she puts the pictures of the two of them in a box in her closet and takes the Post-It notes Karma wrote her off the mannequin. But it still doesn't let her stop thinking of their conversation last night, of her stupid confession that ruined everything. Of the guilt that surrounds her now, even though she has nothing to feel guilty for. Not too long ago she would be dialing Karma's number right now, begging her best friend to help her make sense of this, to not judge her but to just sit and hold her hand while she wrapped her mind around it. But now she feels like she cheated, like she did something wrong, but at the same time she feels betrayed and hurt and stupid that she feels dirty for this in the first place.

So she checks the clock and makes sure Farrah and Bruce have left for their honeymoon before heading straight to the liquor cabinet and grabbing the biggest bottle they own.

An hour later, she doesn't have to think about it anymore.

xxx

Amy spends the weekend drinking and eating and silently watching Netflix with Lauren. They don't talk about anything deeper than what type of pizza to order and what to watch next but it's nice. Amy doesn't want to talk. It's nice to finally have someone who won't make her.

She's been ignoring texts and calls from Karma and Shane all day on Saturday, and she even gets a call from Liam that she refuses to answer – like she would want to talk to _him_, of all people, the guy who gets to have her best friend in ways she can only dream about – until Lauren finally takes her phone from her.

"If you're gonna hold onto that all night," she says, pointing to the bottle of tequila they've been sharing, "then you don't need your phone, anyway."

Amy nods and hands it over. She knows that if she keeps it she'll only end up giving in and calling Karma back and she can't do that. Not right now, not while her brain is still a mess and there's still a stabbing feeling in her chest from Karma's rejection. And especially not while the alcohol is making her brain fuzzy and, if Friday night was any indication, she does really stupid shit while she's drunk and mad and hurt. (Although really, she's always known that her and anger don't mesh well.)

She takes another sip from the bottle, only removing it from her lips when she feels Lauren's fingers gently pull it away. "Share, dammit," the other blonde mutters before pressing it to her own mouth.

xxx

Monday morning comes too soon. Amy has been fine sitting around at home, where she knows she won't be around Karma. Where there's alcohol to keep her from thinking about Karma and obsessing over the identity of the person she slept with. Where she doesn't have to deal with the mess she's created for herself.

Bruce and Farrah are still gone so she considers skipping, if only to put off facing Karma for another day. She hates skipping school, hates the feeling that she may have missed something important, but she thinks this would be a worthy time to skip. She pitches the idea to Lauren, who scoffs and tells her to grow some balls. "If something happens," she says simply, and Amy realizes that Lauren is also thinking about her own personal situation, with Tommy and the pills, "you don't want the whole school to think you're running away."

So Amy goes to school and spends the morning avoiding Karma. She walks around the building to avoid the lawn where they usually sit and talk before they have to separate for first period. She heads straight to the roof instead, deciding that it's her best bet at not having Karma find her. She goes the long way to her first period class, hoping to avoid seeing Karma in the hallway.

But second period inevitably comes and before she can think of a back-up plan (planning has never been her strong suit; Karma plans and she cleans up, that's just the way it is) she is stuck in the same room with Karma for an hour and fifteen minutes. Normally she sits right behind her best friend, but today she goes straight to the empty seat in the back. Everyone's eyes are on her, except for Karma's, and she knows that all of the hushed whispers revolve around her.

She misses the days when only ten people in the whole school knew her name.

Karma doesn't look at her, doesn't try to talk to her. At first, Amy is grateful – she is still reeling from the rejection the other night and waking up to find someone had taken her virginity – but the more she thinks about it, the more it confuses her and sends up red flags in her brain. Saturday, Karma had blown her phone up with texts and calls. Then Sunday it had been radio silence and today she may as well not exist.

Amy knows it isn't something simple, like Karma respecting her need for some space. Karma doesn't work like that. She pushes her way in until Amy can't help but forgive her. She doesn't handle space and distance well. No, Karma has to be mad at her. Amy just doesn't know why.

The teacher talks and writes notes on the board but Amy can't focus long enough to know what he's talking about. Instead her gaze travels between the back of Karma's head and her own hands, where she's nervously picking at her nails. Her thoughts stay locked on trying to figure out what she did and what, if anything, she's going to do to try to fix it.

She knows she can't handle being 'just friends' with Karma right now. Maybe later – _hopefully _later – but not right now. Not when all she can think about are things that '_just friends_' shouldn't be thinking about. Not when she's still holding out hope that Karma might actually like her back.

So does it even matter that Karma might be mad? Maybe it's actually a blessing in a disguise. Maybe it's a way out for her. A way for her to let go of Karma and it not be all her own fault. A way for it to be easier for her to move on.

The bells rings and it jerks her out of her thoughts. Amy vaguely registers the teacher saying something about homework but she doesn't catch the assignment, realizing now that she hadn't even taken out her notebook. She shakes her head at herself and picks up her book bag, making it out of the room before the teacher stops talking.

She's just about to disappear into the crowd of students starting to fill the hallway when a hand curls around her arm and pulls her to the side, away from the multitude of people. Her muscles tense of their own accord. Amy turns, startled, her mouth open and ready to cuss at whoever snuck up on her, when she realizes it's Karma and she ends up speechless. Another second and she notices that Karma is shaking.

"How the hell could you do that to me?" Karma isn't quite yelling but she isn't exactly concerned with keeping it a private conversation, either, and Amy notices a few people turning to look. "I know you were upset, but God, Amy, that was fucking _low_!"

"What are you talking about?" She feels the dread coiling in her stomach as she wracks her brain for what she could have done. The fact that she keeps coming up empty just makes her heart beat faster and the air feel heavier, hotter, like it's suffocating her instead of keeping her alive.

"What the fuck do you _think _I'm talking about, Amy? You fucking slept with Liam!"

Amy recoils. "I didn't sleep with Liam," she says, eyebrows furrowed and the name coming out with the harsh disgust she can never hide no matter how hard she tries. It isn't until after the words are out that the wheels start turning in her brain. She doesn't know for sure that she didn't, she realizes. She doesn't know _who _she slept with on Friday.

And to think, she thought things were bad _before _this.

"Well, he and Shane sure seem to think differently," she snaps. "I can't believe you would _lie_-"

"Wait, Shane?" Because Shane wouldn't lie. Shane is her friend, too, and he wouldn't do that to her, wouldn't tell Karma if it wasn't true.

"Yeah, Shane. You know, Liam's best friend? The person Liam tells _every_thing to?"

Amy doesn't even make a remark about Karma's sarcasm, instead stepping back as Karma continues to rant and the crowd around them grows. "I slept with Liam?" she says, almost whispers. "I slept with Liam."

"God, stop _saying _it!"

Amy blinks, feels the nausea pushing its way up from her stomach. Karma hasn't stopped screaming at her but Amy has stopped paying attention. It's getting harder to breathe and all she knows is that she can't stay there anymore.

"Where are you going?" she hears Karma yell behind her as she turns and pushes her way through the crowd. She just needs some air. No, she needs a toilet, or a trashcan, or something.

She makes it into the bathroom stall in just enough time to vomit. She can't believe she could do that to her best friend, but apparently she can. Apparently she _did._ Liam seems nice enough, she guesses, but she's not attracted to him, doesn't even _like _him. Which makes her think that her drunk self did it just to get back at Karma. And God, how fucked is that?

She wants to cry but can't find the tears. She feels like she doesn't have a right to cry. This is all her fault. This is her mess. Her feelings, her confession, her one night stand.

She flushes the toilet and pulls herself up off the floor, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She stares at her reflection in the sink for a moment, wondering how she got here – how she went from the innocent little three year old who believed in Santa Claus and happy endings to the sixteen year old who fucks her best friend's boyfriend just to get back at her for not loving her. How does that transformation even happen?

The cold water feels good on her hands so she wipes some on her face too. Her skin is starting to stop feeling like it's been set on fire. Her lungs are starting to work again, bringing in the right amount of air with each breath. Her hands are beginning to stop shaking, her stomach is beginning to settle down, her –

The door bursts open and suddenly there's Lauren, in all her dolled-up glory. "I heard about what just happened," she says sympathetically. "But really, _Liam Booker_? I thought you had standards."

Amy groans. "I was drunk! I don't even remember it. I didn't know it was him until five minutes ago. _Karma_ knew before I did."

Lauren grimaces, fishing around in her purse for something. "Well," she says, "as far as all those people out there know, you're the only one out of the two of you who has slept with him. Which means they all think you cheated on Karma with Liam. Just be prepared for that."

Then she smiles victoriously, pulling a new toothbrush and tube of toothpaste out of her purse. "Here. Your breath stinks."

Amy takes the toothbrush, eyebrows raised but knowing better than to ask any questions.

"Karma dragged me into this," she says as she struggles with the cardboard that protects the toothbrush. They both ignore the bell that signals third period. "She pulled me into this fake lesbian mess, made me out myself to Mom, broke my heart. She did all of this. How did I become the bad guy?"

"I don't know, Amy. I really don't."

Amy ducks her head and takes a shaky breath. Lauren waits patiently as she brushes her teeth and then they leave the bathroom together, Lauren walking by her side through the empty hallways until they have to go into separate classrooms. Lauren leaves her with a small smile and a soft squeeze on her shoulder before disappearing into the room, and Amy takes a deep breath to prepare herself as she walks the ten feet down the hall towards her own class.

When she walks in, every eye in her third period is on her. She's late and the teacher has already started the lesson but even Mrs. Daniels stops to let them whisper. She doesn't command their attention until Amy is settled in her seat, face beet red and slouching low.

After class resumes Amy can still feel their eyes on her. Even Mrs. Daniels' focus lingers on her more than usual and she cringes.

She really wishes she had skipped school now.

Or at least thought to bring a drink along with her.

xxx

Lunch brings more stares and more whispers. She's the bad guy as far as the school is concerned, the bitch who cheated on her sweet girlfriend Karma and broke her heart. (She thinks about the sex addiction Karma tried to sell last time they "broke up" and she wishes that she could at least appreciate the irony right now.)

She's looking around for a place to sit – made harder by the hundred pairs of eyes focused right on her – when Shane comes up and grabs her hand. He silently leads her to an empty table in the back and she follows, not sure exactly what to expect. Up until now, Shane has been her confidante, but at the same time, he is Liam's best friend. She doesn't know how but at some point, between baring her soul to him and hanging out after school, she had forgotten about his obvious loyalty to Liam.

Which, if she's being honest, is another thing she should add to her growing list of "Things You Should Have Thought Through."

"What?" she says, eyebrows raised, after they've sat down and he still continues to just stare at her expectantly.

"You slept with Liam. What happened to being Karmasexual?"

She hesitates and considers just telling him that she doesn't want to talk about it before explaining the situation from her point of view. She tells him that she doesn't even remember sleeping with Liam. That before that, she confessed her feelings to Karma, was rejected, and drowned her feelings in glass after glass of champagne.

"Wait," he says slowly when she's finished, "so Karma slept with Liam already, too?"

"Yeah. A couple of weeks ago, apparently."

"I'm sorry, Amy, I really am."

She shrugs and picks at her food. "It's not your fault. I just wish I wasn't currently the school's trending topic."

He grimaces. "Is there anything I can do?"

She's about to say no when an idea pops into her head and she looks at him sheepishly. "Actually, there might be _something_ you can do for me…"

He raises an eyebrow and waves a hand for her to continue.

"Do you think you could get me a fake ID?"

He smirks. "I know I can. Why?"

"I thought maybe I could try that bar again. I mean, Karma's probably off somewhere wishing I was dead right now, so I may as well try to move on."

She's not really interested in moving on, but she thinks it'll work well enough to get Shane to agree to get her a fake ID. 'Oh, I just want to be able to buy enough alcohol to drink my feelings away and my mom will be home soon so I can't keep raiding the liquor cabinet' doesn't seem like the best way to get what she wants.

"I'll have it for you by Wednesday. Promise."

"Thanks, Shane."

xxx

Wednesday comes and goes and Amy has a nice new fake ID in her wallet. Friday comes and Shane drags her to the bar, intent on helping her find someone to help her get over Karma. "This moping around is not good for you," he says, and she would have argued or offered a sarcastic comment but he follows it up by saying that he saw Karma and Liam talking at school that morning and she decides that she really wouldn't mind getting a little drunk.

She takes another sip of the too-fruity drink Shane ordered for her (because apparently, the vodka shots she wanted "are always a bad idea"). All she knows is that this is the third one she's had and it is finally starting to kick in. Her head is just now beginning to feel lighter, her thoughts beginning to come slower, the idea of Karma starting to hurt just a little less. Shane disappeared almost half an hour ago to flirt with some cute guy who had been making eyes at him from across the room, leaving Amy alone to her thoughts, and so she's more than grateful for the alcohol.

She downs the rest of the drink and signals the bartender for another one. All she wants is to get a little closer to drunk, then go home to get some sleep. She isn't quite ready to move on from Karma yet, and besides, she's not good at talking to random people. Especially not when it requires flirting. The last time she was here, when she crashed and burned multiple times in front of the whole restaurant, should have been proof enough of that.

Just as the bartender slides her newly refilled drink into her hands, someone sits down on the stool beside her. Amy turns to look, taking in the dark black hair and bright blue eyes of the girl beside her. She's pretty, Amy notices, and she smiles politely before looking back at her drink.

"You ever been here before?" the girl says, and for the first time it crosses Amy's mind that she came over to talk to _her. _A glance among the bar tells her that she's probably right, since there's a good number of stools open.

"Once."

The girl grins. "Let me guess," she says, "you're a newborn?"

"Newborn?"

"Like a baby lesbian."

Amy takes a sip of her drink, trying to buy enough time to think. "I don't know," she answers honestly. "I fell in love with my best friend and, well, now here I am."

"We've all got to figure it out sometime."

"I guess."

"I'm Rachel."

"Amy."

"So, Amy, tell me a little bit about yourself."

Amy hesitates, then begins talking about some things she feels safe with. She carefully avoids her age – obviously the bartender thinks she's 21, but she isn't about to lie straight to this other girl's face – and instead only mentions her mother's recent marriage, her allergy to peanuts, and her love of Netflix.

Rachel responds with facts of her own. She's 22, a senior in college, and just got out of a three-year relationship. She hates cats but loves dogs and her favorite color is green.

Then as quickly as that started it's over, and she can tell the mood is changing by the serious look that crosses Rachel's face.

"Okay, Amy," she says slowly, "I don't like beating around the bush. So I'm just going to be honest, okay? I'm not looking for a relationship or anything serious. But I'd like to give you my number, and if you ever want somebody to, I don't know, show you the ropes-"

Images of Karma and Liam flash through Amy's mind. Rachel keeps talking but all Amy hears is Shane's warning: _"Karma and Liam were talking this morning before first period."_ All she can think about is Karma moving on, forgetting about her, while she's pining over something she'll never have. About Karma being willing to talk to Liam at school, but not willing to so much as glance in Amy's direction.

Amy snaps back to the present when Rachel slides over a napkin with a phone number on it before smiling and sliding out of the stool. Amy holds the napkin for a second, eyes running over the numbers, trying to decide where she's supposed to go from here. Is she really going to consider taking this random girl up on her offer?

She searches for Shane, eyes combing over the entire bar, until she finds him in the corner. He and the cute guy from earlier are making out against the wall, and that's when she decides. If Shane can do it, why can't she?

She pockets the napkin and drains the rest of her drink. When she stands up, she realizes she's a little bit tipsier than she realized, and whatever it was Shane ordered for her must have been a little stronger than she thought. Her eyes scan the room for Rachel, and then she spots her walking out of the bathroom.

Amy gathers all the courage she has left in her and heads towards the other girl. As she nears the hallway, Rachel notices her and smiles at her.

"Did you already make up your-"

Amy cuts her off, her lips pressing firmly against Rachel's. Panic rises up in her, terror that she's made a horrible mistake, but then Rachel is kissing her back just as fiercely and she stops thinking. She hears a thud as she presses Rachel up against the wall but she doesn't focus on it, just focuses on the tongue colliding with hers, on the hand in her hair.

Kissing her is like kissing Liam, like kissing Oliver, like something that should take her breath away and make her head swim but just doesn't. Rachel's hand slides under her shirt, ghosts across her stomach, hand grabbing at a breast and Amy's body responds in a way that her brain doesn't. There's a feeling starting in the pit of her stomach and she relaxes, suddenly relieved. Even if it's not like kissing Karma – no tingling in her bones, no rush through her brain, no stars in her eyes – at least she can enjoy it.

She finds herself disappointed as Rachel pulls away, as she realizes the slight head rush she was hoping for – the one that always follows a kiss with Karma – never shows up.

As soon as they're separated, Rachel laughs. "You wanna get out of here?" she asks, and Amy knows exactly what that means but it doesn't seem like it's as big of a deal as it should be. She knows she should be freaking out right now, but between the alcohol and the feeling in the pit of her stomach and _"Karma and Liam are talking again" _her brain is too crowded for any other thoughts.

And hell, she already slept with Liam, so what's the harm in sleeping with someone and actually being able to remember it?

"Sure," she finds herself saying. "Just let me go tell my friend I'm leaving, okay?"

Rachel nods and lets Amy know she'll be waiting at the bar. Amy heads towards Shane, feeling relieved when she finds that he and the guy are no longer making out. She pulls him away for a moment, shooting an apologetic grin at the guy he's with, then starts ranting.

"Okay so there's this girl over there named Rachel. She gave me her number and we kissed but now she wants me to leave with her and I already said yes so I just need-"

"Whoa, whoa, Amy, calm down." Shane's hands land on her shoulders and he tilts his head down until their eyes are level. "I need you to talk slower. And calmer."

She takes a deep breath. "I'm leaving with this girl named Rachel," she says, shifting nervously, "and I need you to tell me that I'm not crazy for leaving with her."

Shane grins. "You're not crazy," he says, "just make sure you text me when you get to her place and when you're leaving, okay? Oh, and let me know where you end up going. Other than that, go get 'em, tiger." He winks, giving her a tight hug and then a gentle push away. "And quit cockblocking me!"

She laughs, promising to do everything he said before heading back towards Rachel. The dark-haired girl greets her with another rough kiss that tastes of liquor and crackers before leading her out to a nice red Honda.

Amy ignores the jittery nerves in her stomach and focuses on the buzz of alcohol in her brain and the tingle on her lips and the hot brunette next to her.


	2. chapter two

author's note: Thank you to everyone who favorited, followed, and especially reviewed! I'm glad you liked the first chapter, and here's to hoping that chapter two doesn't disappoint. Let me know what you think!

**my heart's on my sleeve but it's turning black.**  
><strong>chapter two.<br>**_'if you'd left a single thread for me to hold onto,  
>i'd have one good reason not to do the things i do'<em>

It is nearly 10 when Amy wakes up on Saturday morning, blinking against the harsh light streaming in through the windows. She feels a light pressure against the inside of her temples but it's not nearly as bad as she was expecting. Her muscles are sore, her hair obviously ruffled, but at least this time she remembers exactly what happened last night. And if she hadn't, at least she would have confirmation of the person, spread out on her stomach on the other side of the bed.

Amy slides out of bed quietly and searches for her clothes and phone. Rachel doesn't move as she reaches under the bed for her shirt or sneaks around the room and Amy has never been more grateful to be around someone who snores. Every snore is proof that the other girl is still asleep.

She sends Shane a text asking if he can pick her up as she leaves the bedroom. She pauses halfway through the living room, feeling suddenly guilty, and searches for something to write with. She finds a pen lying on an end table in the living room and a stack of Post-Its attached to the fridge. "Had to go home," she writes, "have a good day." She winces at how dumb it sounds but leaves it anyway as her phone buzzes in her pocket.

She pulls it out to see that it's Shane. _"Be there in 15,"_ is all he writes, and she sneaks out the door and out of the apartment complex before Rachel has the chance to wake up. She is suddenly intensely afraid of the other girl waking up – what would she say? How would she react? – and just wants to get out of there.

Amy takes a seat on the curb while she waits for Shane, running her hands through her hair in an attempt to make it look more presentable. Now that she takes the time to really check her phone she sees missed calls and texts from her mother – mostly "Where are you?" – and a couple from Lauren. The first from Lauren is the expected "where are you?" but the one after places a feeling of dread in Amy's stomach: "Had to tell Farrah you and Karma broke up, told her you're upset and staying at Shane's. Let me know where you are soon."

Amy sighs and immediately takes the time to text Lauren back. It's strange, almost surreal, how they have gone from basically enemies to something that actually resembles friends. Lauren has been there for her this week – maybe not in the typical "cry on my shoulder" type-of-way, but in a "I'll talk shit whenever you're ready" type-of-way that Amy actually finds more comforting – and now she is covering for her without even knowing what it is she's covering.

Amy makes a mental note to thank Lauren for this, no matter what the outcome ends up being with Farrah.

Her thoughts are beginning to drift to Karma – she's starting to feel guilty about sleeping with Rachel, like she's cheating on Karma, even though her brain tells her that she has nothing to feel bad about. She has to remind herself that Karma won't speak to her, that technically they are fighting and that there is a very real possibility that it won't get better. That there will not be a day when she finally earns Karma's forgiveness.

Then Shane pulls up, effectively pulling her from her thoughts, and she has never been happier to see him. "Thank you so much," she says as she climbs into his car. "Sorry to make you do this."

Shane waves the apology away, grinning as he starts heading towards Amy's house. "You can pay me in details!"

A faint blush crawls up Amy's cheeks. "There's nothing to talk about," she tries, but Shane just shakes his head and fires off a million questions.

Amy holds back a groan as her head falls back against the seat. At least home is only about ten minutes away.

xxx

She thanks Shane one more time before she shuts the door to his car. He gives her a proud thumbs up and huge grin as she heads towards the house, but despite his obvious excitement, Amy is nothing but nervous.

"Amy! There you are!" Farrah is shouting before Amy even has the door closed behind her, rushing in from the kitchen. The only explanation Amy can think of is that her mother had been sitting there waiting on her. It makes her cringe.

"Hey, Mom."

"You know you're grounded," Farrah says sternly. "And you didn't even tell me you were going to Shane's. I didn't even know you left the house last night and that is unacceptable, Amy Raudenfeld. I am your mother-"

"I'm sorry, Mom, okay?" Really, Amy hadn't thought much of it when she left the house last night – she just walked straight out the front door after dinner. Shane had even honked his horn in the driveway to let her know he was there. "I just didn't think about it. It's been a tough week and I just needed to… go somewhere."

Farrah still doesn't look pleased but Amy can tell she's cooling down a little bit. "You still should have told me you were going. Lauren told me you and Karma broke up." She keeps her voice carefully even, but there is a glint in her eyes Amy can only associate with relief. She might not be glad that Amy is in pain, but Amy knows that she is glad it's over.

"Yeah."

"She didn't tell me why, though," her mother hints.

"Oh."

Farrah sighs. She should have known Amy wouldn't answer – she feels like Amy is always just two steps out of reach, just far away enough not to touch. They have had a few rough years and a few really bad ones, but they've had some good moments in there, too, and even during those Farrah feels this divide. Maybe she could try harder – she probably should have tried harder, in the past – but it feels like now, even if she does try, nothing changes. Every time she pushes she feels like Amy pushes away just a little more, gets a little more suspicious, gets a little more guarded.

But she is Farrah, and she pushes anyway. "Why did you and Karma break up, Amy?"

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Well, I'm your mother, and I do."

Amy sees the flash of determination in Farrah's eyes that lets her know that she is not going to let this go. Farrah watches the same flash in Amy's eyes and braces herself for whatever her daughter is about to say.

"Fine. I slept with someone else."

Amy doesn't want to make it sound any better than that. She doesn't want to say she cheated or had an affair and she doesn't want to lie and say they just grew apart. She is going for shock factor here, for the thing that will make Farrah's jaw drop and make her regret asking the question.

"Amy Raudenfeld!" It works. "You are sixteen years-"

She is prepared. "And how old were you, Mom?"

Farrah stops. "Fine." She pauses. "Well, who was it?"

"Mom!"

"What? If this person is worth you ruining things with Karma, of all people, then I want to at least know who she is."

"First, they aren't special. At all. And second, it's a guy, so –"

The biggest grin Amy has ever seen spreads across Farrah's face and the noise that comes from her mouth is something akin to a strangled squeal. "A _boy_? Amy, honey, you slept with a _boy_?" Arms are surrounding her before she can think of what to say; Farrah squeezes her so tightly that she couldn't have said anything, anyway.

This isn't what Amy was expecting.

"Mom – I need to breathe-"

Farrah pulls away just enough, her hands still gripping onto Amy's shoulders and her smile still blinding. "Baby, that's great news! You can forget all about being grounded!"

"What?" _What the hell is happening,_ is all Amy can think.

"My little girl is straight!"

Her heart sinks.

"No, Mom, this doesn't mean I'm straight."

The smile slips slightly and Farrah's hands fall to her sides. "Well, of course it does, dear. You slept with a boy. What else could it mean?"

"It means that I'm… I'm confused. Not straight. Bi, maybe, but it doesn't mean I'm straight."

"Are you sure-"

Amy groans. "I'm done talking about this today, okay? I'm going to go upstairs and take a nap. I'll see you later."

Amy steps back and shakes her head, heading up the stairs before Farrah has a chance to say anything else. She goes straight to her room, still shaking her head to herself at Farrah's reaction. Sure, she has known since the beginning that Farrah does not approve of her being a lesbian – really, the reaction she got was a million times better than the one she expected – and there is no way that she will ever fully approve. It just isn't possible, no matter how much Amy wishes that it was.

But knowing that doesn't make it any better that her mom is seemingly delighted during one of the hardest times in Amy's young life. The excited grin that slipped onto Farrah's face at the sound of "I slept with a boy" doesn't make any of this any easier.

She is gathering clothes to go take a shower when a throat clearing from behind her makes her jump. She whips around, startled, to see Lauren standing in the doorway, arms crossed and jaw set.

"Jesus, Lauren, don't do that."

"Where were you last night?" is all Lauren says.

"Oh, yeah. Thanks for covering for me," Amy says genuinely. "I didn't expect –"

"Yeah, yeah," Lauren interrupts impatiently. "Where were you?"

Amy winces at how loud her step-sister is, crossing the room quickly to pull Lauren fully inside and shutting the door behind her. "Talk a little louder, I think they had some trouble hearing you across town."

Lauren raises her eyebrows, unamused. Amy sighs.

"I went to a bar with Shane for a little while. I wanted to get my mind off things."

"Okay, and then?"

Amy fidgets. "Don't judge me."

Lauren cocks her head to the side, expectant.

"I left with somebody and… well, I kinda spent the night with her."

"Like, sex?"

"Yeah."

Amy hates how the only emotions she can ever decipher on Lauren's face are anger and annoyance. Otherwise, it's like the other blonde almost doesn't have emotions. Her face is a blank slate. It makes Amy uncomfortable – she knows her own heart sits out on her sleeve, her emotions playing across her face. Even her attempts at hiding them fail if someone just takes the time to look a little deeper than the surface, and she knows it. But almost everyone around her is like that, too, it seems. Karma never has trouble telling Amy how she feels, and Farrah has never held anything back, either. Shane's emotions are typically shallow, coming fast but easily replaced, but they shine through his eyes and saturate his tone.

But Lauren can just stand there and stare without ever letting anyone know what is going on beneath the surface, and sometimes – though she would never admit it to Lauren – it scares Amy, just a little bit.

"Alright."

"Alright?"

"What do you want me to say? You had to get Karma out of your system somehow. Go brush your teeth, your breath smells disgusting." And with that, Lauren is out of the room, the door clicking shut behind her.

Amy shakes her head before walking to their shared bathroom, pausing to brush her teeth before getting in the shower.

xxx

Monday starts like every school day has recently. Amy gets on the bus and Karma is still conveniently absent. The overwhelming support Karma has received from Hester High's student body has resulted in free rides to and from school so that she can avoid seeing Amy. So far, it has worked, and as much as Amy wants to be able to see and talk to Karma again, at least this way it is a clean break. It sucks to walk up to the bus stop and not see Karma, it sucks to sit alone in the uncomfortable blue back seat, and it sucks to walk off alone, but it's better than awkwardly standing at the bus stop beside someone who hates her guts. It's better than sitting in the back seat staring at the back of Karma's head, wanting to be able to talk to her but knowing she can't.

Amy walks into school and yet again everything has changed. Last week it was stares and whispers, the result of "Amy and Karma broke up" being common knowledge while "Amy slept with Liam" needed some time to spread. Last week was the time for "Wait, what happened?" and "You'll never believe what I just heard," while everyone came up with their own version of how things happened between Amy and Liam.

Last week was discovery week. Question week. Rumor week. The time everyone needed for the knowledge to spread across the entire school.

Today is the aftermath. Today everybody knows, and everybody has marked Amy down as the bad guy. "But Karma always posted so many cute pictures of them on Instagram," people say. "But Karma sang Amy that cute song during the protest. But Karma gave that super adorable, super romantic speech over the intercom. _But Karma…_" It's everywhere she turns, reason after reason why Karma was a wonderful girlfriend and how Amy fell short, how Amy fucked everything up in one fell swoop.

"She must be heartless," she hears. "Amy is such a bitch. How could she break Karma's heart like that?" And "isn't she supposed to be a _lesbian_?"

Somehow Liam remains relatively unscathed; she hears mentions of "how could he?" but it is always followed by justifications. "Well, Amy _is_ hot" is one that manages to both boost her confidence and piss her off. Mostly, it's much simpler – "Well, it's not like _he _was in the relationship," they say. "It's not his place to be faithful."

He has his name on everyone's lips but is free from the glares. From being called a bitch in the hallway (no, not out loud for everyone to hear, of course, because that would just take too many balls, but half-coughed as someone she's never even spoken to walks by her locker). He isn't being bumped into on purpose or refused dessert in the cafeteria.

It's like Karma has formed an army. They defend her at every turn, surrounding her in the hallways with their condolences and never-ending support and homemade cupcakes, always ready to turn and glare or raise a middle finger should Amy come with eyeshot.

Amy never sees Karma anymore. Somehow the brunette has found a way to get moved out of all of Amy's classes. It breaks Amy's heart. Two weeks ago she hadn't gone without talking to Karma for more than fifteen hours at a time and now she doesn't know if she'll ever get to _see_ her again.

Amy hopes she's happy, at least. She hopes that Karma is enjoying her obvious popularity. And it makes her feel a little better – or at least, she lies and tells herself that it makes her feel a little better – to know that she somehow still gave Karma what she always wanted. That, somehow, she managed to solidify Karma's popularity at Hester High even more by fucking Liam than she had by just pretending to be her girlfriend.

If only Karma hadn't been half-dating him at the time and she wasn't madly in love with Karma, it would have been a perfect plan.

She is sitting in math class, staring at the empty seat in front of her that Karma used to occupy. She wonders what class Karma is in now. Is it still algebra, just in a different room? Or did she manage to avoid finishing the class altogether, even though it's halfway through the semester? Maybe Principal Penelope is basically giving her a free pass for the rest of the semester, letting her get away with doing nothing on account of her traumatic experience. Most likely, Amy knows, she is still taking algebra. Just as far away from Amy as possible.

The girls behind her have been whispering the whole class period, as always, and just like always Mr. Burns has been ignoring them. Amy has too, but then something catches her ear and she can't help but listen in.

"Oh, did you hear that Liam brought Karma to school today?"

"What? No way!"

"I know, right? I messaged her last night and offered to bring her, but she told me she already had a ride. And then Melissa saw her get out of his car this morning."

"Whoa. Are they friends now?"

"Maybe she just wanted to find out the full story from him."

"Or maybe all lesbians are attracted to Liam."

"Yeah. All straight girls-"

"Hey, would you mind shutting up? Some of us are trying to learn math here," Amy snaps, the words coming out before she has time to process them. All she knows is that she is basically fuming with anger, the blood running through her veins burning.

"What's your –"

"Ladies!" Mr. Burns shouts, his hand hitting his desk. "Is there a problem?"

Amy just stares at him, unwilling to speak, as the two girls behind her mumble, "No, sir."

"Good. No more talking, or you're all going to the office."

Just like that, he returns to his lesson. Amy can feel them both glaring holes in the back of head and so she keeps her focus on the board in the front of the room, pretending to care about the lesson. In reality, her thoughts are going crazy in her head.

How is it that Karma can be okay enough with Liam to let him drive her to school, but she can't even stand to be on the same bus with Amy?

This is the longest time in the past ten years that Amy has gone without speaking to Karma and she isn't sure how much longer she can handle it. It almost physically hurts – no, not almost. She is feeling more than a little nauseous right now, just thinking about it, trying to figure out how long it has been and realizing that it has been exactly one week. That's definitely longer than their previous record.

Briefly, Amy wonders if Karma made a binder full of how to get over losing your best friend. Or, better yet, on how to get over losing your best friend that you're in love with. She could sure use some advice on the subject right now.

xxx

Shane finds her again at lunch, pulling her to an empty table. Amy glances around; Shane is the most popular kid in school. That's just a fact. He could be sitting with almost anyone in the school right now, and it makes her feel a little bit guilty. Liam spends lunch in the art room, so she doesn't have to worry about Shane wanting to sit with Liam, but she knows that he _does _have a lot of friends other than her. And at the moment, she is pretty sure that Shane's popularity isn't enough to override the school's current hatred for her – any of them would gladly sit with Shane, but not while she is sitting across from him.

"You know you don't have to sit with me," she says, setting her tray down and settling into the seat.

"Yeah, I know, but…"

"But what? Really, I'm a big girl. You can sit with someone else if you want."

"Nope, lunch is officially me and you time. Get used to it."

She bites back a smile. "Alright, whatever you want."

"Damn right."

Amy unwraps her straw and shoves it into her juice box. "So, how are things with Pablo?"

His immediate response is a groan. "Not so good. He's adorable, of course, but we've only been official a few days and already I'm tired of not having sex."

"Do you think you'll be able to hold out?"

"Forever? I don't know. I gotta see if some of this Harvey charm can't make him change his mind." He grins, wiggling his eyebrows, and Amy can't help but laugh.

"Good luck."

She picks at the broccoli on her plate, pushing it around in circles, until finally Shane asks her what is on her mind. She hesitates for a moment, then decides she may as well bring it up.

"I heard some girls earlier, talking about Liam giving Karma a ride to school today..."

Shane sighs. "Yeah, he gave her a ride. I told you I saw them talking on Friday, but apparently they ended up just agreeing that he'd take her to school today. I guess so they could have some more privacy."

"Are they-"

"I don't really know what's going on. He hasn't told me any details. Gay scouts honor. But really, Amy, you might want to try to move on. I know you've been best friends forever, but Karma needs some time to get over this, and you do too. Try to take this time to get over her, and then maybe by the time she's over the 'you and Liam' thing you two can go back to being the way you were before."

His voice is hopeful, but Amy can't find any of that hope in her anymore. She knows that he's right, at least in part – she does need to try to get over Karma, and Karma does need time to get over what happened – but she doesn't know that things will ever go back the way they were before. She doesn't know that they can. Because, honestly, she doesn't think that she will ever be able to get over Karma, no matter how hard she tries.

She is just starting to dig into her meatloaf when her phone vibrates on the table. She's not much for texting – at least, considering that she and Karma are no longer on speaking terms and Shane is sitting right across from her – so her eyebrows furrow in confusion. Even more so when she picks up her phone and instead of a contact name there is just a list of numbers.

Amy unlocks her phone, her facial expression going from confusion to shock as she reads and rereads the message.

"What?" Shane asks between bites of food.

Amy shrugs. "It's Rachel," she says, "and she wants to know if I wanna come over and have a drink tonight."

Shane grins. "Looks like Amy here has become a booty call."

"What do I do, Shane? I don't know how this works, how am I supposed –"

"Calm down, tiger. First things first. Do you want to go over there and sleep with her tonight?"

"She just said have a drink, not-"

"You've already had sex, Amy. It's implied."

"Oh."

"Well, do you?"

She thinks back to the conversation they had just a couple of minutes ago, replays the words "try to move on." She thinks back to her conversation with Lauren, hears the blonde saying, "You had to get Karma out of your system somehow." She hasn't moved on yet, but she could try. She hasn't gotten Karma out of her system yet, but she would be lying if she said that Rachel didn't get her mind off Karma for a little while at least.

"Yeah," she finally says, "I think I do."

It makes her heart pound against her chest, makes her fingers shake just a little bit as she types her response as Shane gives her the words. This isn't her, not really, this isn't the kind of thing she would usually do. Part of her just wants to curl up in bed and watch Netflix with a bowl of popcorn, but even that simple thing has too many connections to Karma. And all she wants is to have a little bit of time without Karma being present in her brain.

"So, can I say I'm spending the night at your place?"

"Of course you can! Anytime you want," Shane says, adding in a wink for good measure.

"Thanks," Amy mumbles as another text comes in from Rachel. She pauses, thinking for a second. "Oh, and do you think you could pick me up for school in the morning?"

"I'll be there at 7:30."

xxx

At half past ten, Amy finds herself standing outside of Rachel's door, trying to gather up the courage to knock.

At half past eleven, Amy finds herself well on the way to being drunk, Rachel's lips attached to her neck and hands attached to whatever they can find.

Somewhere in between the two, in between shots of tequila and two hands under her shirt, all thoughts of Karma slip out of Amy's mind.


	3. chapter three

author's note: I just want to say "thank you" again to everyone who is reading/favoriting/following/reviewing this story! It means a lot to know that people are enjoying this story and, of course, reviews are a writer's best friend. As always, I hope you enjoy!

**my heart's on my sleeve but it's turning black.  
>chapter three.<br>**_"it's hard staying sober when you ain't coming over,  
>it's easy getting messed up on the truth...<br>it's hard staying sober when i'm gettin' over you"_

All Shane manages to get out of Amy the next morning is a series of grunts and half-mumbled, barely intelligible responses, so they spend most of the ride to school in silence. Or, at least, Amy does, when Shane finally gives up on trying to ask her questions – he still rambles on about Pablo and sales at Banana Republic and Taylor Swift's new song. She pays just enough attention to make an affirming grunt when necessary

He also says something about the hickey on her neck, but she's barely listening enough to process it and she's definitely not focused enough to care.

Amy garners some stares and whispers in her first two classes. It almost feels normal now, like it's something she should expect as soon as she steps foot on campus, and so she pushes down the immediate reaction of annoyance and anger. Instead she ignores them in favor of cradling her head in her hands, trying desperately to calm her raging headache, and in second period she takes advantage of having a substitute teacher and sleeps the whole period.

After second period Lauren tracks her down in the hallway and drags her into the nearest bathroom. "All anyone can talk about this morning is _you_," Lauren huffs angrily as she searches through her purse.

"I'm so sorry to have intruded in your academic life," Amy retorts sarcastically, rubbing at her temples, "but if you haven't noticed, me fucking Liam and supposedly breaking Karma's heart is all anyone has been able to talk about for over a week."

"I'm not talking about that," Lauren snaps. "People are talking about that giant hickey on your neck and your obvious hangover." She finally finds what she has been searching for, pulling make-up out of the bottom of her purse and setting it on the counter. "I mean, seriously, Amy? Did you really have to go get wasted and sleep with your new girlfriend on a Monday?"

"She's not my girlfriend," Amy says a little too harshly. "She's just there. And yeah, I had to get drunk on a Monday, all I could think about was Karma and Liam."

Lauren shakes her head, one hand reaching out behind Amy's neck as the other blonde jerks back. "Jesus, Amy, stay still."

"It tickles."

"You weren't ticklish when she devoured your neck!"

Amy huffs.

"Farrah's going to get suspicious eventually," Lauren says softly as she returns the make-up to her purse. "And it's only been a week or so, Karma's got time to come around. Maybe you should put the brakes on this self-destruction bit for a little while."

Amy shakes her head. "As long as Mom thinks I'm sleeping with a guy, she couldn't care less what I'm doing. And as long as Karma knows I slept with Liam, she doesn't either."

"So even the score a little bit," Lauren suggests.

"What do you mean?"

"Tell the school the truth. Tell everyone Karma had sex with Liam first. That she was never a lesbian and she was just faking it to be popular." A small smile breaks out on Lauren's face. "Give me some time and I can figure out a way that will really-"

"No, Lauren, whatever you do, promise me that you won't tell anyone what you know."

"Are you serious? Amy, she's got everyone at school –"

"Promise me."

"You're fucking serious."

"If people find out, then Karma gets hurt. I don't want everyone to hate her. All she ever wanted was to be popular and now she is. I can't take that away from her."

"You are too in love with her for your own good. It kind of makes me sick."

Amy smiles wryly. "Yeah, I know, it does me too."

Lauren shrugs as they turn to leave. "At least the whole school being obsessed with your drama has gotten Shane Harvey off my back."

"You're welcome," is all Amy says as they exit the bathroom, Lauren shaking her head slightly as they walk off in opposite directions.

Oliver finds her in the hallway before she can make it to class. He calls her name from the opposite end of the hallway, from behind her, and for a moment she considers ignoring him. But he calls her name again and she feels a little guilty so she stops, turns around, and waits, a fake smile forced onto her lips.

The memory of promising to eat lunch with him the last time she and Karma "broke up" flashes through her mind and she has to physically stop herself from cringing. Had she really been so caught up in Karma that she could do that to him?

The only answer she can come up with is yes.

"Amy, hey," he says when he finally catches up to her. "I heard about you and Karma and, well, I just wanted to see if you were okay."

It takes her by surprise. She hesitates for a moment, painfully aware that the only other people in the school to ask if she was okay were Shane and Lauren. "You heard, and you came to see if _I _was okay? Really?"

"Uh, yeah," he responds, eyebrows furrowing in confusion beneath the frames of his glasses. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Because the rest of Hester High is ready to burn me at the stake?"

He shifts uncomfortably, one hand playing with the strap of his messenger bag. "Well, I like to think we're kinda friends," he starts. "And friends check on each other. And, uh, I don't think that the rest of Hester High really knows what happened," he finishes, almost at a mumble.

"What do you mean?"

"You know I watch the cameras…"

"Okay?"

"There's one in the art room. I guess because there's the kiln and all of those expensive-"

"Oliver, what are you talking about?"

His fidgeting is starting to make her uncomfortable, too, and he clears his throat awkwardly. "Uh, there's a camera in there. And I've seen Karma and Liam in there a few times – hugging and, uh, making out – even before the whole threesome thing happened. I was going to tell you but you two broke up before I could and –"

"Hey, no, it's okay. I knew. I just…" Amy shrugs, her heart sinking just a little bit. "Thanks for checking on me, Oliver, that's really sweet of you."

"Yeah, of course. My supply room is always open if you need anything."

"Thanks."

He grins shyly at her before turning back down the hallway and disappearing the way he came, and it makes her wonder if he just came out of his secret room to talk to her. He makes a part of her wish that she could have liked him, that there had been sparks and butterflies when they kissed. It would have made her life so much easier, would have allowed her to completely avoid this chaos that she has created. She wouldn't have poured her heart out to Karma, wouldn't have slept with Liam, wouldn't have spent nights drunk and having sex with a random girl.

Amy spends her entire third period thinking about the what ifs, and is still turning them around in her brain when she gets to the cafeteria. She tries not to, reminding herself that all she has is what _did _happen. The "what could have been"s don't matter. They are irrelevant, nothing more than impossible figments of her imagination, projections that will only make her reality harder to deal with. It is a lesson she learned years ago when her dad left, and she has no desire to relive that part of her life.

She steps away from the lunch line, deliberately avoiding Irma's disappointing gaze. She doubts that Irma hates her – she saw them before, so she has to know how much Amy really cares about Karma – but every time she looks at Irma all Amy sees is sadness and disappointment and pity. They are looks of "what were you thinking?" and "how could you do that?" and "that's not like you." So Amy avoids looking at her the best she can, and Irma gives the good desserts to Karma.

Amy pauses, scanning the cafeteria to make sure that Shane is sitting at their usual table, when she sees two people come up beside her in her peripheral vision. She turns slowly to find Layla and Elizabeth, Lauren's two little puppy dogs, staring her down with anger blazing in their eyes.

"Uh, hey?"

"We wanted to give you these," Layla says, shoving a bundle of white fabric into Amy's free hand.

"What is it?" Amy asks warily, turning the fabric and moving it the best she can with her one hand.

"They're our Karmy t-shirts," Elizabeth answers juts as Amy manages to move them enough to see the red "#Kar" poking out. Elizabeth's face is red, her voice shaky, like she is downright terrified. Layla looks a little more confident, a little more determined.

"We thought about throwing them away, but seeing how much you loved destroying the cutest couple ever we thought you might want to do it yourself."

All Amy sees is red, the anger from the past two weeks coursing through her.

"You have to be fucking _kidding _me," she grinds out, taking an angry step towards the two girls, as they take a hesitant step back. "We are in high school. I go to US History and algebra just like everybody else here and I fuck up like everybody else. Nobody freaked out when Lauren and Tommy broke up or when Carmen broke up with Eric just so Liam would sleep with her but God forbid I make one mistake! We were not Brangelina, I don't volunteer with UNICEF on the weekends, and my job is _not _to entertain all of you and make you believe in love! Maybe there's more to –"

"Amy!" she hears Shane yell as he pushes his way through the crowd she hadn't even noticed forming. "Amy, calm down," he warns, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder while taking her tray with his other.

She glances at him and takes a deep breath, feeling a little more at ease and a little less angry just knowing he is there with her. "Yeah," she mumbles, "you're right." She focuses back in on Layla and Elizabeth, who are both standing still as poles, eyes wide and faces pale. She swears she sees tears forming in Elizabeth's eyes. She shoves the t-shirts back into Layla's arms. "Make one that says #fuckoff and maybe I'll consider taking it," she says, almost as an afterthought, her voice losing her confidence and its anger as she becomes more aware of her surroundings and feels the self-consciousness settling back in.

There's an entire cafeteria of people staring at her, an entire cafeteria ready to spend the next three days analyzing Amy Raudenfeld's crazy outburst at lunch. Ready to add "bitch that went off on those two poor, sweet girls almost nobody has heard of" to the list of reasons to hate her.

Now, won't that just be fun?

The crowd parts as Shane leads her through the cafeteria. This is another one of those times that she is glad she somehow managed to befriend the most popular guy at school. A single glare from him and the people part like the Red Sea, forming a large enough path for the two of them to walk side by side, one of his arms draped around her shoulders.

She assumes he is leading her to the table in the back that has recently begun to seem like "their table." Amy much prefers her spot in the quad with Karma to the little table in the cafeteria, but as far as her options go at this point, she likes it. She can sit with her back to the rest of everyone else and not have to see anyone who is staring or pointing at her, doesn't have the ability to read their lips and see her name on them.

They are more than halfway there when she decides to look back – something her head tells her is a bad idea, but a feeling in her gut begs her to do.

The first thing she lays eyes on when she turns her head is Karma's auburn hair and Amy's heart sinks. Her best friend is staring straight at her, mouth parted open in surprise and eyebrows lifted up towards her scalp, and Amy wants nothing more than to turn around completely. She wants to pull away from Shane and go straight to Karma, wants to tell her that she's so, so, so unbelievably sorry and she'll do anything in the world to make it up to her, wants to admit that she is a terrible person for doing that to her and tell her that it feels like the world is falling away beneath her feet and beg for her forgiveness. Amy wants to tell her all of that and more, doesn't care if it is in front of an audience that is half of the school, doesn't care if ninety percent of the people in here hate her. All she cares about is Karma. All she's _ever_ cared about is Karma.

But then she notices the hand on Karma's shoulder and traces it back to Liam Booker's face. Then the moment is over and she is again facing forward, again trying not to cry, again forced to face reality.

Shane's arm tightens around her as she starts shaking. He tells her that everything is going to be okay as they sit down. He forces her to eat while he assures her that Layla and Elizabeth were being bitches and they deserved it, that it was about time she let a few things off her chest, that she was allowed to have feelings. He tells her that in a couple of weeks everything will blow over, that Hester High will find a more interesting topic of conversation and all mentions of Karmy will be nothing more than history.

"I can't believe they made _shirts_," she groans, pushing her tray out of the way so she can lay her head on her arms.

"What if I told you Karma kind of encouraged that?"

"I'm not even surprised, honestly," she sighs. She feels the mood change suddenly and glances up to find Shane staring intently at her. "What?"

"If you want this all to end, or at least get easier, you know you can just tell the truth, right?"

Amy straightens up in her chair. "I know, and I don't want to. Don't say anything, Shane."

"Alright, fine. But I don't understand why everyone is so obsessed with her. You're _obviously_ the better half."

She forces a smile. "Thanks, Shane."

He starts to go back to his food, but suddenly brightens. "Oh, I know! I can divert the attention from you altogether. I forgot all about it because Liam got his name cleared but I still have that dirt on Lauren and her pills that I can –"

"No," she says harshly. "You can't say anything about those, either."

"Do you know something I don't?"

"No," she admits, "and I do want to know, but… She's been really supportive lately, in her own weird way, and, I don't know. Just don't say anything about it, please?"

Shane visibly deflates. "Fine," he whines, "but you're no fun."

Amy just grins and tosses a fry at him.

xxx

Suffering through school with a hangover leaves Amy exhausted enough to fall asleep earlier than usual that night. She has the lights off by 9 and lays in the middle of her bed, a pillow pressed over her head to keep her from looking up at those damn glow in the dark stars.

Wednesday night she is awake for hours, tossing and turning and unable to sleep no matter how hard she tries. The red letters on her clock glare "3:54" at her and she groans, knowing her alarm will be going off in only three and a half hours. Three and a half hours and then she will have to yet again walk through the halls of Hester High, everyone's eyes on her.

Thursday after school Amy makes the split-second decision to walk home, her entire mind focused on finding something to help her sleep tonight. She stops by the closest liquor store on the way, suddenly glad she doesn't carry a traditional bookbag that would easily give her away as underage. She shows the man at the counter her ID while her heart pounds loudly against her chest. He simply smiles at her as he hands it back, then rings up the bottle of tequila and wraps it in a brown paper bag. She takes it with the best smile she can muster then slides it into her bag as she walks out the door.

Before she goes to bed, she takes a few shots out of one of the small Dixie cups Lauren insists on having in the bathroom for her mouthwash. When she's done, Amy carefully slides the bottle under her bed, covering it with two empty duffel bags and blocking them with her softball bat.

She buries herself under her covers and again avoids looking at those stars on her ceiling. But tonight the thoughts that usually keep her awake are fleeting, leaving her brain almost as quickly as they come, swept away by the alcohol running through her veins. She is asleep before the numbers on her alarm clock reach 11 and she has to admit that it's one of the most freeing feelings she has had in a long time.

Friday comes and somehow after 10 she finds herself at Rachel's, already buzzing from the vodka she now keeps under her bed. She wakes up early, sneaking out of Rachel's apartment and walking herself home before Farrah or Bruce can wake up, determined not to get caught sneaking out.

Rachel texts her on Saturday and invites her over that night, too, and Amy agrees. She gives her mom the tried and true excuse of spending the night with Shane – Farrah sighs and rolls her eyes but eventually gives in, because even Farrah can't _not _like Shane – and heads to Rachel's.

She is full of anger from Farrah's judging stare and Karma's continued silence and even Bruce made a comment today, even though he's barely said two words to her since before the night of the wedding, and she just wants to get away from all of it. She needs a break and she is looking forward to having a few hours of release.

Except she knocks on Rachel's door and a random girl in pajamas opens it. Amy steps in and the girl smiles, introducing herself before going on to introduce four other girls who are sitting on the living room couch laughing with each other. Amy's eyebrows lift as she searches for Rachel, finally finding her as she emerges from the kitchen.

"Rachel, can I talk to you for a second?" Amy asks, pointing over her shoulder at the door with her thumb. Rachel's friends try to avoid looking at her awkwardly, and part of her recognizes that this is probably considered rude but she can't help it. This isn't what she signed up for. This isn't what she agreed to.

"Uh, sure," Rachel responds, setting the bowl of popcorn on the coffee table as Amy leaves the room. Rachel smiles apologetically at her friends, promising to be back in just a minute.

Amy is in the hallway, arms crossed, waiting for Rachel to follow her. Her fingers drum nervously against her arms and she tries her best to sort through the thoughts running through her head. She doesn't want to sound like an idiot and she doesn't want to sound like a bitch but she doesn't have any idea of how to deal with this; she isn't even sure why she feels like there is something to deal with.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asks as she closes the apartment door behind her, looking at Amy with the faintest hint of worry in her eyes.

"What the hell is this?" is all Amy can think to say, throwing an arm out in the direction of the door.

Understanding starts to cross Rachel's face. "I'm sorry, it was really last minute and –"

"And you didn't think about maybe texting me and saying, 'Hey Amy, heads up, it's gonna be a freakin' girl's night, be prepared for that?' Or even, 'Sorry but I'm gonna need to take a rain check?'"

"I'm sorry, I didn't think it would be this big of a deal. Really, if I'd known you were going to be this pissed off, I would've told you."

Amy shakes her head slowly, rubbing a hand across her face. "It's okay, it's fine," she says through a sigh. She is still mad about being blindsided but part of her also knows that she is overreacting. "I just – I think I'm gonna go. This was a mistake. We should have just left it at that first night."

Rachel's face softens. "If that's what you want, then that's fine. But it's okay to have friends, you know."

"I'm not really interested in making friends," Amy says honestly, but her voice is drained of all the anger that was in it only a few moments ago. Now she just sounds tired and broken, and Rachel just nods as Amy turns to leave.

Amy is starting to walk away when she feels a hand wrap around her wrist and she stops, turning to look at Rachel questioningly.

"I know you're hurting because of your friend," she starts carefully, "and that's okay. It's going to take time to get over her and that's normal. But you have to look out for yourself. Be careful, alright? Don't take this too far."

"I'll try my best," Amy promises, but it sounds empty even to her own ears, and she can see that Rachel doesn't believe her either. But it's the best that she can do, and as soon as Rachel's hand slides off her wrist, Amy turns around and doesn't look back.

xxx

Amy has always hated the way those old Subaru station wagons look and as they walk through the parking lot she has a small feeling of dread that the white one in front of her is what he is leading her to. He proves her right when he points in its direction and she can't help but wrinkle her nose up.

He must notice because he shrugs a little awkwardly and then forces out a chuckle. "You don't have to look at it long," he says as he pushes the key into the lock.

He's right, of course. It doesn't take long before they are both squeezed into the backseat of that ugly Subaru, with the chipped white paint and too many bumper stickers on the back. It smells like Axe body spray and alcohol and Amy feels a little bit guilty, like this is just one more way that she is letting everybody down – even letting Rachel down, now. Like she is just giving Karma one more reason not to forgive her.

He is still kissing her, hands not even slipping under her shirt yet, and she isn't okay with that. If this is going to work Amy needs it to be fast, needs it to be a little rough. It needs to be something that will let her stop thinking. He is being too nice, she decides, too much of a gentleman and she needs to skip all of that.

So her hands go straight to the button on his jeans, sliding the zipper down, then tugging at his shirt. That's all he needs and finally she can feel herself getting lost in the moment.

Briefly she wonders if this is how it was with Liam – if he was being nice and giving her every option to turn away and she was the aggressor, the one pulling him along, the one trying to convince him it would be okay. Was it her fault more than his?

But then the guy on top of her grabs her hips harshly, angling her upwards, and she stops thinking about Liam altogether.


	4. chapter four

author's note: Alright guys, here we go! I feel like on one hand this might seem like a filler chapter but personally I think it's a very important chapter, at least as far as seeing Amy's mindset and motivations and downward spiral. I hope y'all enjoy it, and as always I'd love to know what you think!

**my heart's on my sleeve but it's turning black.  
>chapter four.<br>**_'well, i've been afraid of changing  
>cause i've built my life around you<em>'

She walks in the front door at a little after 3 in the morning. All the lights are off and she spends a good 5 minutes fumbling with her keys and nearly falls on the door when she tries to close it. She holds back a sigh as she starts her trek up the stairs, focusing carefully on getting her feet up high enough to reach the next step.

The sound of footsteps reaches her ears right before the lights flip on. Amy stops in her tracks, her left foot coming down a little too fast and causing her to grip onto the handrail for dear life. When she finally feels like she is stable enough, she turns to face whoever she woke up. The spinning room makes it a little more difficult than it should be.

"Amy, what are you doing?" Farrah is standing in the doorway, arms crossed over her chest and holding her night robe tightly around herself.

"Just goin' to bed," she says as innocently as she can, trying not to cringe as she hears her words slurring together. Hopefully her mom just doesn't notice. And maybe she'll think this awful hair is something as simple as the result of a nap at Shane's.

"Are you _drunk_?"

Or maybe not.

Farrah steps further into the room, eyes squinting to better see her daughter through the assault of light that fills the room. Her jaw is set angrily, lips pursed.

"Pfft," Amy tries, scrunching her face up in a 'seriously?' kind of way. "Of course not, Mom, come on."

"Amy Lynn Raudenfeld, I'm not an idiot! Where have you been?"

She hesitates, brain kicking into overdrive. She has waited too long to say she was Shane's and now she doesn't know what she can say, what possible excuse she can come up with to justify her actions.

Then suddenly her mom's face softens, a look of realization slowly taking over.

"Were you with that boy again?" Farrah asks, letting her hands drop to her sides. She doesn't even sound angry anymore. "Amy, honey, you don't have to _lie _to me in order to go see him."

Amy gapes, her mouth hanging open as she tries to wrap her mind around what just happened. "I'm sorry, what?" she tries.

Farrah shakes her head. "Go to bed," she orders. "We'll talk about your drinking in the morning."

"Yes ma'am," is all Amy says before returning to her journey up the stairs, still trying to understand the turn that conversation just took.

Morning comes and Bruce makes a comment about her getting home late and Lauren complains about Amy waking her up in the middle of the night, but Farrah doesn't say a word.

xxx

As the days go by Amy decides that she hates weekdays. Almost all of the bars are closed on Sunday and Monday nights and they are slowest on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, full of creepy old men and trashy women her mom's age dressed in cutoffs and too-tight crop tops that Amy believes nobody should ever wear. Besides, she has school in the mornings, and with the way everyone focuses on her every move these days she has decided it is probably best to tone it back. (Or, rather, Lauren stands in her room one day and bitches about how Amy showing up with hangovers makes her look – even though most people at school don't even _like _Lauren – until Amy finally gives in and agrees to stop.)

It doesn't stop Amy from her new nightly routine of alcohol before bed, however. She finds that it is too hard to sleep these nights without a little assistance, and it doesn't take much to help her relax enough to sleep. And sometimes on days when she just doesn't feel strong enough she takes a little alcohol to school with her, too. Not enough at night that would give her a hangover and not enough during the day to get her wasted. Not enough to make anybody pay attention.

Sometimes she wakes up just as tired as she was when she went to bed, as if she hadn't slept at all. But she would much rather wake up tired after hours of sleep than lay awake for those hours, stressing over Karma, still ending up just as tired.

She can't make it through a day without thinking about Karma. Hell, she can't make it through a couple of hours without her mind drifting to Karma. She doesn't know if she ever will. It feels impossible.

Every morning she wakes up hoping that today will be the day Karma is ready to talk. That today Karma will come seek her out and apologize for ignoring her for so long and Amy will apologize for sleeping with Liam and Karma will forgive her and they can go back to being best friends. Karma doesn't even have to love her back. They can forget that conversation happened if that is what it takes for Amy to get her friend back. All she needs is just one more chance with Karma.

But the days pass and Karma never comes up to her. Every day goes by basically the same, like Amy is living her life on autopilot, just waiting for that one moment that would change it all. Wake up. Go to school. Sit through class. Eat with Shane. Go home. Drink. Go to sleep. Repeat.

She looks forward to the weekend so she can have a small change in routine. She drinks more and she finds a stranger and she tries to forget.

Sometimes her stranger is a guy. Sometimes her stranger is a girl. If she's being honest, she doesn't really care. Either way the goal is reached, the job gets done, the mission is accomplished. She can't say that she feels anything for any of them, none of the butterflies or tingles or warmth that she always felt with Karma.

But if she is being honest, sometimes Amy _does _care. Sometimes the guilt rises in her and she is disgusted with herself and she isn't interested in sleeping with another female. On those nights she seeks out a guy, most preferably with dark brown hair, and she lets him fuck her and she lets it be a punishment. It is a reminder of Liam, of _this is why Karma won't talk to you_, of _this is how you fucked up the first time_. It doesn't help, not really; she goes home and she feels dirty and disgusting and she hates herself even more but it feels like something she has to do. She has to remember, somehow, has to remind herself. Has to replace the night she doesn't remember with one that she does.

And sometimes she feels angry. Sometimes she is mad that Karma is doing this to her, that she is _letting _Karma do this to her. Sometimes she is mad that Karma won't talk to her, and that she hasn't done more to try to _force_ Karma to talk to her. Sometimes she is mad her mother is the way she is, that the thing that determines whether or not her mother accepts her and approves of her and is nice to her is whether or not she likes girls or boys. Sometimes she is mad that Bruce refuses to look her in the eye ever since she came out. Sometimes she is mad that Liam Booker has everything she ever wanted, that Karma walks through the hallways with him by her side but won't even look at Amy in the eye.

On those nights she finds another girl. Sometimes they don't even make it out of the building. She fucks them hard and fast in the bathroom, in the car, wherever, and then she walks away.

Sometimes Amy feels like she is drowning. She tries to pretend that Karma is still talking to her and wonders what Karma would say, what she would think, what kind of worried comments she would have. If she would make a binder on "how to stop your friend from self-destructing" or if she would take the time to devise her own 12-step program instead.

In the end, Amy knows it doesn't matter. It is irrelevant. Because she doesn't need a 12-step plan, doesn't need a binder of helpful tips, doesn't need to know what Karma would think or say. All she needs is Karma. If she had Karma none of this would be happening.

It scares her and it makes her feel pathetic but it is the truth.

It has been one month and two weeks and it is almost Christmas and she decides she has to try. It's a Friday and she decides to stay in just for this, just this one shot at mending things with Karma. It has been over a month – over a month with no Karma, with no crazy schemes or sleepovers planned down to the minute, without the scent of lavender shampoo lingering on her pillow or the faint scent of weed clinging to her clothes. She can't take it anymore.

At some point it hits her that maybe Karma hasn't tried to talk to her because she is waiting for Amy to try first. (And try in a way deeper than drunken text messages at half past 4 in the morning that read something like "Ksdma in sorry plese.f" and "whu want tull the me.") Amy isn't entirely sure that she is right – after all, it is pretty much a complete flip of the dynamic they have perfected over the past ten years – but it is worth a shot. She has to at least _try_ before she gives up completely.

On nights when Karma is home and alone she usually likes to go to bed before 12, so Amy calls at 11:15. She thinks it is a safe time, because Karma would have the fewest reasons not to answer – she would be getting ready for bed, probably sitting in her room watching TV on her laptop or scrolling through Twitter on her phone. That is, unless she went out for the night – a thought that makes Amy's heart constrict, because _Liam._

It feels like every ring takes forever. She feels like she is standing there listening to it ring for hours through the sound of her heart pounding in her ears, feeling her pulse throb uncomfortably in her neck.

Then she hears Karma's voice and she is surprised by the conflicting feelings that are fighting for control.

"You've reached Karma Ashcroft," she hears, a slight laugh trying to be drowned by the professional tone Karma was shooting for. "Sorry I couldn't get to the phone right now but leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks!" If she listens hard enough she can almost hear her own muffled laughter in the background.

Karma had set that as her voice message years ago when she first got a cell phone. Amy remembers laying on Karma's bed with a big bowl of popcorn, making jokes and throwing pieces of their snack, trying to make Karma mess up. Karma had been determined to make it perfect and had suffered through Amy's attempts to thwart her, only giving up after her 14th attempt.

The 14th attempt is what Amy just listened to. She can close her eyes and picture Karma recording that message, can remember hearing it before anyone else had the chance. She has only heard it a small handful of times since then.

Her heart sinks because she knows Karma is ignoring her. She has to be. It makes her throat go dry and her stomach hurt and the world spin a little too fast. But at the same time this is the first time in a month she has heard Karma's voice and it doesn't matter that it was a 13-year-old Karma that she heard, or that it was the world's Karma instead of Amy's Karma, or that the words were generic and impersonal and meant for anybody, for everybody. It was still Karma, and it makes everything look a little brighter. It makes the world seem a little better.

The beep has already sounded and when Amy snaps back to reality she stumbles over her words. It is a foreign feeling, not knowing how to act around Karma or how to talk to her. Karma has always been the one and only person in the world that Amy feels she can truly be herself around, the only person she can feel completely relaxed and comfortable with.

"Uh, hey, Karma," she says hesitantly, her voice cracking and shaking. "It's me. Amy. I, uh-" She pauses and clears her throat. "I think we should talk. I really miss you and you have no idea how sorry I am. I just, I don't really know what to do without you, Karma. I feel like – like everything's wrong and I know it's my fault and I fucked up but – please, Karma, I don't want to lose you. You promised me I wouldn't, remember? Can we please just talk? You're –"

She hears it cut off, the time allotted for her message coming to an end. She realizes she is crying but she isn't sure when the tears started.

She flops back onto her bed, staring up at her ceiling for a minute before squeezing her eyes shut tightly. Amy can't stop the tears from coming, racing down the sides of her temples and losing themselves in her hair and on her comforter. She is just glad that she isn't sobbing, isn't struggling for breath, isn't making those awful noises.

She keeps her phone held tightly in one hand in case Karma surprises her and calls back. Everything in Amy hopes and prays she will, hopes that somehow her message got through to her best friend. After all, Karma can't just throw away 10 years, can she? Can she really forget every good memory because of one mistake?

But the hours pass and the tears fall and Karma never calls and the emotional exhaustion of it all eventually puts Amy to sleep.

xxx

The first thing that crosses Amy's mind when she wakes up the next morning is Karma. Amy is grappling for her phone, desperate to find where it ended up over the night. She finally finds it just to discover that it's dead, the black screen refusing to light up no matter how many times she hits the button. She plugs it up quickly, her shaking hands having to make multiple attempts, then waits impatiently for it to come to life.

She knows she shouldn't be getting her hopes up. She shouldn't let herself get excited, shouldn't be trying to guess whether she has missed calls or text messages. She has always been overly realistic and cynical, but never when it comes to Karma. As soon as Karma is involved Amy becomes an idealistic, naïve seven-year-old.

She stares at her phone, becoming momentarily excited about a new text message until she sees that it is from Shane. Then five more minutes pass and nothing happens.

Karma didn't say a word. Somehow that hurts worse than if she had opened her phone to see a "no" or even a "fuck off."

But maybe Karma isn't awake yet. Maybe she went to bed early, and that's why she didn't answer the call, and she just isn't up yet. Or maybe she _was _out late with Liam and she got home late and that's why she isn't up yet. Or maybe she's just trying to come up with the right words to say. Either way, there's a chance that she could still respond. Right?

She groans in frustration, especially when Shane texts her again, reminding her about their lunch plans. She doesn't want to go to lunch, doesn't want to go anywhere unless there's a giant bottle of alcohol in her hands; really all she wants to do is sit on her bed and stare at her phone until Karma answers. She is willing to sit for hours, for days, however long it takes for Karma's face to pop up on her screen.

But instead it is Shane's face who appears on her phone. He is not one to be ignored, Amy is learning, so she answers the phone and tells him she is about to take a shower. He promises to pick her up in half an hour and Amy reluctantly leaves her phone in her room as she heads to shower.

When she gets out, Karma still hasn't responded.

xxx

After lunch Shane drags her to the mall, asking for her opinion on outfits and rolling his eyes when Amy continuously gives noncommittal answers. He picks out clothes for her as well, waving her off when she argues and using his daddy's credit card to take care of the bill. She stands outside of the dressing room as he changes (only because the attendants refuse to let her in, despite Shane's protests) and goes to get him different sizes or patterns when he requests them.

It is scarily similar to her shopping trips with Karma, actually, except Karma is much better at picking out things for Amy that the blonde genuinely likes. With Shane she smiles and nods and says thank you but she wonders how and when she would ever wear some of the stuff he picks out.

And she doesn't remember ever being this sad when she went out with Karma.

Karma is everywhere. Somehow she surrounds Amy no matter where she is or what she does, no matter how hard she tries to get rid of her. Karma shows up in every situation, in every conversation, in every moment. She is everywhere and all Amy wants to do is get away and she can never figure out how to do that without a bottle in her hand or a body underneath her.

So when Shane drops her off at home that night, she considers going to a bar. But she glances at her phone – where there is still no response from Karma – and she thinks better of it. Because if Karma does decide to contact her, does she really want to risk being too drunk to answer? Or in the middle of screwing somebody else?

She sits in her room trying to watch Netflix for nearly an hour before she can't take it anymore. She reaches under her bed and grabs the vodka stashed there, sipping straight from the bottle. Sitting here is almost too hard; Karma surrounds her, even in the place that is supposed to be _hers_.

There are pictures of the two of them taped to Amy's dresser. Half of the clothes in her closet Karma helped her pick out. Karma helped her decide where to put her bed and the mannequin and how to organize her closet. Her alarm clock is a present from Karma and the background pictures on her phone and laptop are both of her and Karma. Her profile picture on Facebook is the two of them and the only pictures on her Instagram are ones Karma has tagged her in. Hell, the only reason she _has_ an Instagram is because Karma begged her to make one. Most of her queue on Netflix, aside from her documentaries, is full of shows that the two of them agreed to watch together or ones they both love. The clap lights in her room were Karma's idea, and so were the stars, and they spent over two hours one Saturday sticking them on the ceiling in second grade.

Everything comes back to Karma. Amy has playlists of Karma's favorite songs on her iPod even though she hates most of them and recordings of Karma singing on her phone. She has songs the two of them wrote together during sleepovers just messing around and notes they passed to each other during class sitting in a "Karma memory box" in her closet. The cabinets in her kitchen are stocked with Orville Redenbacher's popcorn and blueberry Pop-Tarts because they are Karma's favorites, even though Amy would prefer Jiffy-Pop and brown sugar cinnamon.

Amy has never really thought about it before. It isn't anything she has ever felt she needed to think about; it always felt natural. It has always been normal to have Karma in every aspect of her life. The pictures on her wall always made her smile and she always feels more confident in a shirt that Karma pre-approved. She never felt like she was giving anything up when she wrote Karma's favorite items on the grocery list instead of her own; she always loved watching the smile light up Karma's face when she found out there was a full box of her favorite snacks in the kitchen.

She guesses that it's true, then, that you never really know how much you love something until you're faced with losing it. Sure, she figured out months ago that she loved Karma, but she never noticed just how much of her life Karma has permeated over the past ten years. Karma has always been a constant in Amy's life and now that she's gone, nothing adds up. Nothing feels the same.

All Amy knows is that she needs her gone. She is tired of looking at pictures of Karma and listening to her favorite songs and staring at the stars on her ceiling that only remind her of Karma's bright smile when she came up with the idea and the way that she has never stopped teasing her about being afraid of the dark.

The dark makes Amy anxious. It still does. You never know what could be in the dark and Amy doesn't like not knowing what is going to happen next. Her life has been one surprise after the other. Like her dad walking out on her and Farrah's multiple marriages and developing feelings for Karma and sleeping with Liam and now her friendship with Karma is over. She has never been able to predict a single thing in her life and so she hates the dark, hates that it is just another thing she cannot control.

Karma used to be her light, she thinks, but just like everything else – just like everyone else – she's gone, too.

Karma walked out of her life over a month ago. The foundation of everything Amy knows has been gone for so long now and yet somehow Amy's life is still revolving around her. She needs that to change, needs to get rid of every part of Karma she can find. She is drowning and needs to get rid of everything that is suffocating her and she needs to do it now.

She takes another long swig from the bottle in her hand. She can already feel the hesitation creeping up in her, the dread coiling in her stomach, the courage leaving and hope settling in its place. She needs to make sure; she has to try one more time.

Her world is already becoming a little less clear, her head and fingers moving faster than her brain can keep up with, and so it takes her two tries to type the right number into her phone. She almost chickens out as the ringing starts and her heart responds by pounding against her chest. Karma didn't respond the last time she called, never acknowledged her rambling voicemail, so why is she hoping for a response now? And if she did answer, what would Amy even say? She doesn't even know how to talk to Karma anymore, doesn't know what words or how many tears would be able to fix this.

Or maybe if she does answer, it would just be to yell. To tell Amy how much she hates her and wishes they had never been friends, to demand that Amy stop and leave her alone.

Or she could answer and start to forgive just to realize that Amy is nearly drunk and a complete mess and she would be disappointed, would be disgusted by the things Amy has done, would point out the new parallels between Amy and her Nona and her father that Amy has been desperately trying to ignore, and then that would be the catalyst for the final, official end of their friendship. Because Amy knows that she has changed in this past month and a half, that there has been something inside of her that has broken or maybe just finally had a chance to rise.

It scares Amy. She barely recognizes herself anymore, barely understands the look in her own eyes when she looks in the mirror. She has only known who she is with Karma and she isn't sure that she likes the person she is without her.

She isn't sure if she is upset or relieved when the ringing stops and Karma's voice reaches her ears. "You've reached Karma Ashcroft. Sorry I couldn't-"

She ends the call and all the motivation comes back. All she wants is her friend back, but Karma obviously doesn't feel the same way. And the more she thinks about it, the more she doesn't want Karma to see her like this. She knows she can't stop the rumors from reaching Karma's ears and Karma will eventually notice her bloodshot eyes in the hallway, but she can stop her from knowing the details.

Karma doesn't have to know that she keeps a bottle of warm Grey Goose under her bed or that sometimes the water bottle she walks into school with is straight vodka. Karma doesn't have to know that she sleeps with random people when she can and cries herself to sleep every night that she sleeps alone. Karma doesn't have to know that her mother won't speak to her in conversations longer than basic sentences and that somehow even Lauren is starting to worry about her.

No, Karma doesn't need the details.

And Amy doesn't need the reminders.

She takes another sip before closing the bottle and sliding it underneath her bed. Then she starts with the first thing she sees, pulling pictures off her dresser and shoving them into the plastic box in her closet full of their notes and other Karma memories. She tears shirts off their hangers, pulls pants from their drawers, and finds some of Karma's clothes in the process; she piles all of them onto the box. Everything that holds memories of Karma is thrown towards that box, like the stuffed dog Karma gave her for her 8th birthday and the scrapbook Karma made for her two years ago. When Amy can't find anything else to get rid of, the box is overflowing, barely visible beneath the giant pile of memories.

Then there is the ceiling. Amy can't stand the idea of going to bed tonight and staring up at those glow-in-the-dark stars, forty little reminders of 8-year-old Amy and Karma. Reminders of how Karma was the only to make Amy feel at home again while Farrah planned her second marriage. Reminders of how Karma was the only one who could break through to Amy when her dad walked out. Reminders of countless sleepovers, staying up all night talking and laughing while staring at those fake stars and looking at each other in the faint glow they provide.

Those stars are as much a symbol of their friendship as anything else and the more that Amy's alcohol-addled brain thinks about it, the more she needs them gone. Right now.

She stands precariously on the bed, taking a second to steady herself before reaching towards the ceiling and starting to rip them off. It takes more effort than she thought it would but after she manages to get the first few off it starts to get easier. She ignores the sticky residue left behind, telling herself she can deal with that tomorrow. Tonight she just needs them gone.

Amy ignores the tears that start to cloud her vision and tries to keep tearing. There's so many stars, _too _many stars, and she briefly wonders how they even managed to get them all up there. Especially with her propensity for boredom and Karma's overwhelming need to have everything perfectly organized.

Each star is tossed straight in the direction of the trash can when she finally pries it off. Most of them fall short and so her floor is covered in stars, just waiting for her to turn the lights off so they can light up the ground.

It takes longer than she thought it would but finally she's done. She plops down loudly onto the bed, staring at the mess she's made, at the pile of things she needs to move out, at how empty her room already seems. She can feel her determination slipping away as she thinks about the fact that she now has to actually, physically, _officially _remove everything Karma from her room.

She jumps off the bed quickly, swaying slightly as she tries to regain her equilibrium and wincing momentarily at the noise she makes when she hits the ground, at the way the floor vibrates beneath her feet on the impact. She shakes it off and tries to focus, getting down on the floor to start picking up the stars.

Only a few seconds pass before her door swings open without warning and Lauren barges in. "What the hell are you doing?" she asks before the door is even fully open, before Amy has time to know that it is Lauren at the door and not her mom or Bruce. Her voice is hardly above a whisper, not wanting to wake either of their sleeping parents, but Amy still feels like she is being screamed at.

Amy just sits in the floor and stares up at Lauren, not wanting to answer. She watches as Lauren glances around the room, taking in what must look like an absolute disaster, arms crossed over her sleep shirt in annoyance.

"Seriously, what the _hell_ are you doing? It looks like you're about to move out."

Amy hesitates, then pushes herself to her feet, trying her best not to sway in front of Lauren. "I'm getting rid of all my Karma stuff."

"Amy, this is over half of the shit you own." Lauren is talking to her like she is an idiot, but her eyes still soften of their own accord. "As much as I'd love to give you a makeover and fix this decoration disaster, you can't just get rid of half of your room because you and Karma are fighting."

"Sure I can. I've been doing just fine with it so far."

"Are you really going to give her this much control over your life? Look at yourself, Amy! So you love her and she doesn't love you back and you fucked Liam and it sucks. Whatever. You're going to have to get over it eventually."

"That's kind of the point of this."

Lauren sighs. "What are you planning to do with all of… this?"

"I guess take it to the attic."

Lauren's eyebrows raise. "Is it really getting rid of it if it's just on another level of the house?"

Amy shrugs, then smiles sadly. "It'll be up there with what's left of my dad's stuff. I feel like it fits."

"Do you really think this is going to help?"

"I need her gone."

Lauren just shakes her head before disappearing back through the door to go to her own room, leaving Amy standing in the middle of her room, all alone but surrounded by all things Karma.

Amy grabs as much as she can from the pile in the floor and heads to the attic.


	5. chapter five

author's note: Sorry this one took so long! This was an extremely hard chapter for me to write for some reason. Hopefully I'll be able to have the next one up a little sooner! Also, I think the next chapter will probably be through the eyes of some of the other characters. Which I'm kind of excited to show bits of the story from their points of view. And while I'm not the happiest with this chapter, there _are_ a lot of Lauren/Amy friendship moments, and I am definitely a fan of some Cooperfeld friendship! Anyway, I hope you enjoy! :)

**my heart's on my sleeve but it's turning black.  
>chapter five.<br>**_'where do i go? what do i do?  
>who do i turn to? i'm losing my ground'<em>

She doesn't notice Shane until it's too late.

He is late for lunch so Amy sits alone at their table, poking absentmindedly at her food. She already ate the semi-normal portion, leaving behind the soy- or tofu-whatever that Karma would normally eat for her. Shane is sitting across from her before she is even aware he approached, decked out in his dance clothes and rambling on about an approaching competition. Then, before Amy has time to process the words coming out of his mouth, he reaches across the table and grabs Amy's water bottle.

"Shane, wait, that's not-"

She jumps up, trying to reach for the barely-filled bottle before it makes it all the way to Shane's lips. She is sure she looks like an idiot, desperately grasping for a simple water bottle, but she doesn't care. Shane simply leans back out of her reach, looking at her like she is high on bath salts.

"I'll buy you another one, I promise," he says, pressing the bottle to his lips and taking a long sip of her drink.

Then he is nearly gagging, spitting what was in his mouth out onto Amy's tray and the table between them. He shoots from his chair as he coughs and tries to bounce away the surprise, doing a small series of half-jumps that under any other circumstances Amy would find hilarious. The bottle falls to the ground, the small amount of remaining clear liquid trickling onto the cafeteria's tiled floor.

Amy stands still, helpless and partially terrified, while Shane tries to compose himself.

"What the _hell_, Amy!"

She stays silent, suddenly hyperaware of the number of people who have turned to look at them.

"What the hell are you thinking?"

"Can we not do this here?" she pleads, gesturing for him to turn and look at the hundreds of little eyes focused on them. He sends her a harsh glare before finally relenting.

"Fine."

Shane grabs her by the arm, pulling her out of the cafeteria and down the hall, the tray and water bottle forgotten in the cafeteria.

"Can you relax your death grip a little bit, officer?"

His hand tightens on her arm. "Shut up."

Finally they reach Shane's destination: an empty classroom Amy has never been in before. He shuts the door behind them then stands in front of it, arms crossed and face stoic. Amy shifts her weight from one foot to the other uncomfortably, feeling a lot like a little girl getting in trouble with her parents.

"Alcohol, Amy? At school?"

"It's not that –"

"This isn't the first time, is it." It isn't formed as a question but Amy feels obligated to answer anyway.

"No."

"How long?"

"What?"

"How long have you been drinking at school? Weeks? Months? Do you do it every day?"

"I – I don't know," she stutters. "Since a few weeks after my mom's wedding. And most days."

Shane shakes his head disappointedly. "You came in hungover a few times right after Karma and it was fine. Whatever. A few times while you tried to move on was okay, I've been there, but this… Amy, this isn't okay."

"No, it's not okay," she agrees, "_none_ of this is okay." It is supposed to come out angrily, harshly, but instead it is defeated, sad, ashamed. "It's not okay that you outed me and Karma and it's not okay that she went along with it and it's not okay that I fell in _love_ with her. It's _not_ okay that she doesn't feel the same way or that I slept with Liam and it is definitely _not okay_ that I can't even get her to speak to me! It's not okay that I lost my best friend of ten years in a matter of minutes. You're right, Shane, bringing vodka to school isn't _okay_, but nothing else is, either, so what did you really expect?"

His arms wrap around her tightly, her head burying into his neck as she fights back tears.

"Oh, sweetie," he murmurs. Then, weakly, after a moment: "Has she been slipping you heroin or something all these years?"

Amy forces a chuckle into his shoulder, but she knows he can tell it is fake.

"It's not okay now, but it will be," he assures her. "You just have to get over the bumpy part. And the only way you're going to do that is if you stop hiding, okay? No more alcohol."

Lauren sits beside Amy on the bus after school, a strange moment all by itself, but she doesn't say anything other than a mumbled "hey." Amy doesn't push for conversation either, though, her mind still wrapped up in her confrontation with Shane at lunch. She is partly embarrassed and partly disappointed and partly mad. She knows that he will start checking any drink she brings to school and ask a million questions and she doesn't know how well she is going to be able to handle that.

She certainly isn't looking forward to suffering through school without a little something to take the edge off, either.

xxx

Lauren gets off the bus and is in the house before Amy has even made it up the driveway. Amy shakes her head at her stepsister, who has already gone upstairs by the time Amy walks in the door, and heads to the kitchen for a snack. All that overly-healthy stuff they try to pass for food at school just doesn't do it for her.

Really, it's a lot like trying to eat dinner at Karma's house, except Mrs. Ashcroft always keeps enough ingredients for sandwiches so Amy doesn't starve. (All organic cheese, of course, and locally-grown meat and bread from some hippie bakery, but it's as close to normal food as Molly will ever allow.)

She has her Bagel Bites in the microwave when she hears a lot of thumping from upstairs. Her eyebrows furrow when she realizes it sounds like it is coming more from the direction of her room than Lauren's, and she ignores the beeping of the microwave as she heads up the stairs. The first thing she notices is that her bedroom door is ajar and she raises her eyebrows.

"Lauren?" she calls as she walks into her room slowly. Then, "What the hell?"

Her dresser drawers are slung open, her sheets messed up, the mannequin in her corner is now laying on the floor and her closet door is open, the inside a mess. Her locker shelves against the wall are cleaned out, everything from inside them laying out on the floor.

Then she notices the open bathroom door.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Amy nearly shouts as she stops in the doorway to the bathroom.

There is Lauren, pouring her handle of Smirnoff that was once three-fourths full down the sink.

Amy rushes in, trying to pry the bottle from stepsister's hands.

"I'm trying – to help – you!" Lauren shouts back as she struggles against Amy, the alcohol beginning to spill out onto the counter and the floor instead of into the sink. Honestly, Lauren doesn't care where it goes as long as Amy doesn't get the chance to drink it.

"Let go!"

"No!"

Something goes off in Amy's brain and she shoves Lauren backwards. Briefly she wonders if this is what it would be like to have a real sister, all irrational anger and giant fights.

Then Lauren lets out a strangled cry as her back collides with the doorframe and the bottle crashes to the floor as both girls let go. Amy steps forward quickly, wanting to do something to help, but she stops when she nearly slips on the wet floor. The harsh and pained glare Lauren is sending her doesn't help, either.

"Lauren, I –"

"Don't."

Obediently, Amy stops. She doesn't know what to say or do or how to fix this but she wants to. It is a foreign feeling to feel bad for hurting Lauren, to be desperate for her forgiveness and support. A few months ago she never would have considered being so much as civil to Lauren Cooper, but now she is terrified to think about what she has just done.

"Look at yourself," Lauren finally spits out, her right hand grasping onto her own left shoulder as if it will ease the pain. "Has this not gone far enough?"

Amy doesn't answer; she simply clenches her jaw and averts her eyes. Because yes, part of her brain tells her that this has gone _way _too far. A part of her brain cannot believe what has happened in the past five minutes, can't believe what has happened in the past few months, and is terrified to think of what could happen in the future. But part of her cannot help but be pissed that her $20 bottle of alcohol is on the floor, glass crushing beneath her feet. That same part of her can't help but crave a drink to help her forget about what she just did.

"Shane came to me because he's worried about you," Lauren continues. "Shane _fucking _Harvey came to _me, _and I'm worried, too. Just because you don't have Karma anymore doesn't mean that you don't have people. But if you can't find a way to be a normal fucking person again, you just might find yourself as alone as you seem to think you are."

And then Lauren is slipping through the door to her own bedroom, slamming the bathroom door behind her. Amy is left alone, the strong scent of alcohol attacking her senses.

She finds herself sitting on the closed toilet, staring at the shattered glass and slowly spreading liquid. She knows she needs to clean up the mess but she just can't find the strength.

xxx

Amy tells her that she's sorry the next day and Lauren says, "You should be," before launching into a rant about how things are going to change. She and Shane have come up with a plan, a routine, and Amy is expected to follow it. And all Amy does is nod and agree to go along with their crazy idea of helping.

Her stepsister sits beside her on the bus now, before and after school. She walks Amy into Hester High where they meet up with Shane on the lawn before first period. The question is always the same: "How are we feeling today?"

He always looks at Amy, but Lauren always answers.

"Good." And that means there's been no other incidents. No more bottles under the bed, no more water bottles full of vodka, no more shoving Lauren into doorways. Amy understands that neither of them expect her to speak – neither of them really _want _her to throw in her opinion at this point. This is their thing, their own form of an intervention. Mission Saving Amy.

Shane walks her to class while Lauren disappears to pretend like she has a social life. When she's lucky, Amy gets to walk silently while Shane tells her stories of his latest conquests and lists of guys he wishes were gay and what new movies he wants to see. Sometimes, though, he asks her how she's feeling. If she's doing any better. If she's craving a drink. She hates those days.

She answers with half-truths and he nods and says his bit but Amy knows he doesn't entirely believe her. She knows he's smart enough to look deeper than the "I feel fine" and "no, I don't crave it."

Because really, most days she spends each class period wishing she had something spiking the Gatorade in her plastic bottle. She watches the clock and thinks that maybe if she wasn't so aware, wasn't so s_ober_, maybe time would go by quicker. Or, at least, every little thing wouldn't set her on edge.

It lasts two weeks. Then Christmas break comes along and the perfect tag-team routine is over. Now Lauren is the main one in charge.

Amy still gets daily room sweeps. Lauren watches her like a hawk. But Lauren doesn't ask how she's feeling or remind her of what happened; she just barges in to Amy's room at random times and starts searching. And Amy sits on the bed and rolls her eyes and lets her do it. Her heart beats faster even though she knows there is nothing for Lauren to find; she can't help the nervousness that shoots through her veins. It makes part of her mad, too, annoyed at being treated like a child, but she accepts it. It's not like she has much of a choice, really, and she understands that she was starting to head out of control.

Neither Shane nor Lauren ever seem to think about the fake ID, though, and so she keeps it tucked carefully behind a Taco Bell gift card in her wallet. Just in case.

xxx

One night, Amy slowly opens Lauren's bedroom door. Tears are streaming down her face and she can't see where she's walking and it only takes a few steps before she bumps into Lauren's white dresser. A cuss word slips a little too loudly out of her mouth as she grabs her side, hoping that holding it just a little tighter will stop the pain.

Through the darkness she sees the slight outline of Lauren's form stir and she freezes, suddenly terrified that the other girl might wake up. But what did she expect, to just walk in without even letting Lauren know? She would sigh if she wasn't trying to be so quiet, if she wasn't so hopeful that Lauren might just roll over without waking up.

Then suddenly Lauren is sitting up, turning on her bedside lamp and tearing her sleeping mask away from her eyes simultaneously. "Who's in-" she starts, summoning up as much forcefulness as she can through her grogginess, but then she stops when her wide, crazy eyes land on her stepsister. "Amy? What the hell are you doing?"

Amy shrugs, trying to force a sheepish smile to her lips. It just looks strange against her tear-stained face.

"Are you _crying_?"

Amy finds herself shrugging again and she knows it looks nowhere near as careless as she wants it to. Hell, she is in Lauren's room right now, a little after 2 in the morning, with dried tears marring her face. Why is she even trying to save face right now? She's already here, why is she trying to back track now?

"What are you doing?" Lauren repeats when Amy refuses to answer either of her other questions.

"I… I didn't want to be alone," Amy admits, voice shaking.

"What," Lauren nearly barks, her eyes leaving Amy long enough to seek out her alarm clock, "so you thought that 2:17 A.M. would be a good time for us to read Cosmo and paint our nails?"

Amy shakes her head. "I just want to sleep." And she sounds desperate, nearly begging, as though Lauren is the one who is keeping her from sleeping. She sees the confusion and shock as it passes quickly through Lauren's features, only to be replaced momentarily with her usual stony expression.

"You can't sleep?"

"Nightmare."

It's a vague and only partially true statement, but she is sure that by now her mother has already told Lauren the stories, or that Lauren has heard them from Bruce. They were a lot worse when she was younger and she would wake her mother up in the middle of the night with her screams. Sometimes she would even wake _herself _up with her screams. She would be disoriented, shaky, covered in sweat or tears or both, and terrified, but never sure why. It was like her subconscious knew something she didn't, had some kind of demon or horror show in the back of her brain that it only failed to protect her from in her sleep.

They started not long after Farrah married her second husband and when Amy finally told Karma about them – shy and embarrassed and feeling more than a little bit stupid for being so terrified of something she couldn't even remember when she woke up – Karma had suggested the stars. And most of the time, she could stare at those stars glowing on her ceiling and think about Karma and after a few minutes she would calm down, and eventually she could go back to sleep. On nights that the stars didn't work Karma had only been a phone call away, and she would sing Amy songs in half-asleep until they were both asleep on the line.

Tonight there are no stars on Amy's ceiling and Karma is so far away that not even Amy's demons can bring her back.

"You still get those?" Lauren asks, and it isn't condescending. It is borderline sympathetic.

"Just every now and then."

"Well," Lauren's voice once again contains the typical harshness Amy is used to, "you aren't eight and I'm not your mommy that you can come running to every time you have a bad dream." But she is setting down the perfectly placed pillows on the other side of the bed and pulling back the covers. Amy hesitates for a moment, then crosses the room and slides into bed beside Lauren. "I'm not doing this every night and if you snore, I'm kicking you out."

"Thank you."

Lauren grunts, shutting off the lamp and putting her sleeping mask back on. "Go to sleep."

xxx

Christmas break passes by somewhere between a flurry of activity and a slow crawl of days running into one another. It is fielding questions from her relatives and Lauren's about why she doesn't have a boyfriend; it is coming up with half-assed excuses to tell her extended family for why she hasn't left at all to go see Karma and why Karma hasn't been by to see her; it is trying not to punch her cousin Wallace in the face when he asks about the hot redhead who is usually over and nearly cussing him out when he calls Lauren a fine piece of ass.

The Ashcrofts still send the Raudenfelds a Christmas card and Amy holds back tears because at least if Karma hates her, it is comforting to know that Mr. and Mrs. Ashcroft don't. (And she smiles because '_The Raudenfelds' _is still written on the envelope in Molly's loopy handwriting, despite the fact that three-fourths of the household is now 'the Coopers' and Amy is the only Raudenfeld left standing.)

She misses her Christmas traditions with Karma, misses doing their last-minute shopping on the 22nd and making hot chocolate and watching the '25 Days of Christmas' movies on ABC Family. She misses exchanging presents on Christmas Eve and heading over to Karma's house on Christmas day for a second Christmas dinner. She hates that they are ruining 10 years of tradition all because she slept with Liam Booker.

But Karma calls.

Karma's face flashes on the screen of Amy's iPhone on Christmas Eve while she sits around the dinner table with family she barely likes and barely speaks to and family of Lauren's she has only known for a few days. Lauren sits beside her and spends as much time as Amy does just staring disbelievingly at the screen. The rest of the family stares at them, trying to figure out why the two girls look like they've seen a ghost when it's just a cellphone, until Lauren's grandmother tells them that having a phone at the table is extremely rude and starts a rant about their generation versus her own.

Amy feels like she can't move so Lauren grabs the phone, quickly silencing it and placing it in her lap. Amy meets her eyes briefly and Lauren just gives the slightest of nods, and as the conversation around them resumes with something other than Grandma Cooper's lecture, Amy reaches for her fork and tries to focus on her dinner.

Afterwards, when Lauren hands her phone back to her, Amy sees the proof once again on her screen: '1 Missed Call – Karma.' But there is no voicemail, no text message, no second try.

And so Amy sighs, throwing her phone on her bed and deciding it must have just been a fluke. Karma would have tried harder than that if she actually meant to call.

xxx

Shane goes out of his way to be the first one to tell her, and while she was initially annoyed at seeing the 28 missed calls on her screen and practically being ambushed as soon as she set foot on campus, Amy is ultimately grateful. She would much rather hear it from him than from the gossip mill that runs rampant through Hester High, or from one of the few people who are still fixated on her "breaking Karma's heart."

"I called you a million times last night," Shane says, sounding somewhere between annoyed at being ignored and worried. "We need to talk."

Amy barely has time to process the fact that Shane appeared out of nowhere before he is dragging her towards the parking lot and away from the actual school building. She notices that people have stopped to watch them, but she isn't sure if it is because of the way Shane is dragging her away or if it has something to do with what he is freaking out about. All she knows is that she has a feeling of dread in her stomach, and it isn't sitting well with her increasing heart rate.

He stops beside his car, dropping her arm as he turns to look at her. There is concern and sympathy in his eyes and then he takes a deep breath. Then he hesitates, eyebrows furrowing.

"Why didn't you ever call me back last night?"

"I had to go with Mom to take Nona back home. Nona doesn't believe in phones during 'family time' so my phone was on silent. I didn't even know you'd called so many times until this morning."

"Oh. Look, I really just wanted you to hear this from me instead of somebody else…"

"What's going on, Shane?"

"Liam and Karma are back together. Like, officially, together-together. He told me last night."

Shane has spent the entire night preparing himself for this moment. He has gone over all kinds of possible reactions, from a depressed Amy that falls sobbing into his arms to an angry Amy that kicks his car to a determined Amy who announces her plan to steal Karma's heart away from Liam. He has thought about what to do in each situation, what he can say, the best way for him to comfort her. He ever has a towel sitting in his car in case it's like the movies and all Amy can do is puke on the ground beside her, and he has already made Lauren agree to meet him at lunch so they can talk about the best way to keep Amy from falling back on alcohol again.

He has put some thought into this. But he can't say that he expects the way she reacts.

There are a few moments of emotions, pure emotions that flit across Amy's face and reflect through her eyes. Her mouth hangs open and he can watch the emotions as they progress. Surprise and shock. Confusion as her eyebrows furrow. Sadness, hurt, and disappointment as her face falls and shoulders slump. Then her jaw clenches in what he can only describe at anger, but he isn't sure who she is angry at. And finally, and most surprisingly to him, her face falls neutral. She fixes her posture and he can't see anything in her eyes. She is back to being the nearly emotionless Amy of the past couple of months.

"Thanks for letting me know," she says sincerely, but it's calm, almost as if he told her that Irma didn't make mashed potatoes today or she's stuck with the substitute everyone hates in third period.

"Yeah, of course."

Amy hesitates for a moment, and Shane keeps staring, waiting for something to happen. He will take any reaction he pictured over her lack of one. He just wants to know how she's feeling, what she's thinking, what is going on in that little brain of hers.

"We're going to be late for first period," is all she says, grabbing his arm as the bell rings in the background.

This time, it's Amy who is pulling a shocked and confused Shane across the lawn.

xxx

She doesn't go to first period. She had smiled warmly at Shane as he disappeared into his classroom, simply waving when he looked back at her with that worry and confusion in his eyes. She knows he is waiting for her to break but she can't afford to. It is taking everything she has to stay sane.

She walks towards the direction of her first period but she decides at the last minute that she can't go, instead walking out to the baseball field and sitting on the bleachers. She has a good view of the stoners on the tennis courts, watching as they fumble with their lighters and roll blunts using their textbooks as makeshift tables.

It is almost peaceful. The soft, cool breeze makes her pull her sweater around her a little bit tighter but it is almost comforting.

Amy isn't sure if she is hurt or pissed off. Maybe it's a little of both. All she knows is that Karma somehow managed to forgive Liam enough to date him and want to spend time with him and stick her tongue down his throat and probably take his pants off even though she knows what he did. What _he_ _and_ _Amy_ did.

And yet she hasn't forgiven Amy enough to even speak to her. To give her more than a passing glance in the hallway. To answer a single phone call or respond to a single text.

Amy doesn't get it. It doesn't make sense. She doesn't understand how they went from "I'm your family" and "you could never lose me" to this. To nothing. To strangers who attend the same school.

But what can she do? How can she fix this if Karma won't even speak to her?

She's hurt. She's mad. Mostly she thinks she's hurt.

She wants a drink.

She thinks about Shane and Lauren and how it's been weeks since she's had a drink – she doesn't count the small splash of vodka her grandmother added to her Coke on Christmas Eve, telling her it'd be easier to stomach the family reunion that way – and she wonders if it would really be all that bad if she went to the store today. Are they still going to keep up this intervention routine? Is she still under lock and key?

She probably is.

She hates it.

So Amy stands and heads towards the tennis courts, suddenly wondering how she and Karma spent so much time around Karma's parents and never tried weed.

xxx

The weed relaxes her, makes it a little bit easier to think about Karma and Liam. She wonders if the school thinks it's strange as she does. That she "dates" Karma and sleeps with Liam and Karma dates Liam and sleeps with him. Is that strange to anyone else but her? Is it somehow ironic to anyone else but her? Does anybody else realize that for years and years Karma was the sister that she never had and now they are "snatch sisters" and now that they have people who will call them that they don't talk at all? It all depresses her and so she needs something to make her feel better.

She blames this sadness on the weed, on the THC running through her system, and Amy decides that she doesn't like this feeling. Doesn't like the thoughts that are running through her brain.

So she seeks Oliver out for reasons she isn't even entirely sure of, finding him easily in his secret creeper lair. She hasn't seen him in a while but surely he still wants her. Surely he hasn't turned against her and forgotten about her. She kisses him as soon as she walks in the door and for a minute he responds. For a minute she forgets about Karma and Liam and the mental image of them making out in the art room, in the hallway, in the cafeteria, anywhere they want really because this time they don't have to be secretive. This time they can be as public as they want to be.

But then he pushes her away – gently, because even in rejection this is still Oliver, sweet and careful and kind – and the world comes crashing down around her. Only now there is the added embarrassment of this moment.

Amy whispers an apology as he smiles sadly at her and presses a kiss to her forehead. Then she turns and leaves as quickly as she can, face hot with embarrassment.

At least this time she actually goes to class.


	6. chapter six

author's note: So, I lied to y'all. I'm sorry! This one is yet again in Amy's POV, but I plan to have the next chapter be the one with everyone else's POV. I had most of the next chapter written when I realized this one needed to come before it, which is why it has taken so long. This is the shortest chapter so far (I'm sorry about that too!) and probably my least favorite so far but it'll work, hopefully. Let me know what you think, and as always, I hope you enjoy it!

**my heart's on my sleeve but it's turning black.  
>chapter six.<br>**_''i'm through with the struggle and tired  
>of the trouble, it's high time i left it behind'<em>

She heads to her locker first thing in the morning only to find that there's already a short blonde leaning against it. Amy recognizes her from the history class they had together last year, but her eyebrows still furrow together in confusion. They hadn't ever talked much, and definitely not enough to show up at each other's lockers.

"Carrie, right?"

"Yeah." Carrie pushes off the locker and steps away, giving Amy room to gather her things. "Hey."

"Uh, hey." Amy eyes her in confusion as she enters in her combination. "What's up?"

"I, uh, wanted to ask you something."

Something about the shorter girl's nervous, shaky tone makes Amy want to give her her undivided attention. She quickly pulls out the books she needs, closes her locker, and focuses on Carrie.

"What is it?"

"When did you-" Carrie stops and Amy can see her thinking. She hesitates, then tries again. "How did you figure out that you liked girls?"

"Uh…" It's all she can manage. The question throws her for a loop, and she's vaguely aware that her mouth keeps opening and closing of its own accord as she searches for words.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have… I just, I've been wondering lately – about myself – and I thought that maybe…"

"You're fine," Amy reassures. She takes another second to think of what she wants to say. Aside from Shane – and kind of Lauren – she's never really explained it before, not like this girl is asking her to, and so she isn't really sure how to put it into words that will make sense. And she's not really sure how to do it without feeling the gnawing emptiness and pain that always accompanies the acknowledgment of her feelings for Karma. "I guess to me, it wasn't that I realized that I liked girls. It was that I realized that I liked Karma. And I've been with guys and girls since then, but, uh, it never really feels the same. So I don't know that I'd really be much help."

Carrie nods like she understands, like somehow that really makes sense to her. "It was more about the person than the gender?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"So you wouldn't… You don't think that there's much of a difference between being with a guy and a girl?"

"I mean, sure, there's some differences, but-"

"I've always wondered what it'd be like to kiss a girl."

Amy sighs, suddenly aware of where this was always going to go. "Alright," she says, trying not to roll her eyes, "close your eyes."

"I didn't mean-" Carrie looks equal parts embarrassed, terrified, and hopeful. Amy raises her eyebrows impatiently, making a 'hurry up' gesture with her hand, and Carrie willingly closes her eyes and waits.

Amy plans on just a peck, and that's all she goes in for – a quick kiss on the lips and then she's pulling away. But Carrie has other plans, a hand reaching out to grab onto Amy's neck to keep her in place as she deepens the kiss.

'_Whatever,' _Amy thinks, opening her mouth as Carrie's tongue pushes against her lips.

A moment later Amy pulls away completely. A cocky grin covers her face as she takes in Carrie's breathless expression and half-lidded eyes.

"There ya go," she says as she walks away, unable to wipe the grin off her face because she knows that Carrie is still standing there, staring.

xxx

Amy is at the bathroom sink washing her hands when the door bursts open behind her. She raises her eyebrows, watching through the mirror as Carrie stands nervously behind her. "Is everything okay?" she asks, reaching for the paper towels.

"I don't know," Carrie says, and as Amy turns around she notices that the shorter girl is shaking. "Earlier I think I felt something, but I don't know if it was because it was new and I was nervous or if it's because I'm gay."

"I don't know, either."

She keeps an eyebrow raised as she crosses her arms and leans against the counter. She isn't experienced enough with her own sexuality to be coaching maybe lesbians down their path of self-discovery. Hell, she isn't even sure what her own sexuality _is_.

Carrie flushes bright red. "I think I have an idea. And you can totally say no."

"Okay?"

"Well, you know me and Dylan dated for nearly three years…"

"Yeah," Amy encourages, though she honestly has no idea who Dylan is, much less that he and Carrie dated for three years. But she's ready for Carrie to get to the point, even though there is a part of her that isn't sure she wants to know.

Carrie clears her throat. "He never… Well… I never orgasmed."

Amy's eyes get so wide it almost feels painful and she is at a complete loss of what to say. Is she even supposed to say anything?

As the silence covers them, Carrie shifts awkwardly and Amy thinks she might actually see the beginnings of tears in the other girl's eyes. "I'm sorry – I shouldn't –"

"Hold on," Amy says, stepping forward to keep Carrie from bolting. "Are you asking me to, uh...?"

"It was a dumb idea, just forget that I even –"

"I'll do it."

Carrie stares at her in shock and Amy has to admit that she doesn't even know where it came from. She blames it on the past few months, on all the notches she's put on her belt and the surge of confidence it has given her. Sure, she might not be sure about the rest of her life but at least she's been told she's good in bed, at least she's learned how to pick up a stranger in a bar and – apparently – she's learned how to make seemingly straight girls want to sleep with her at school.

How much different is it, anyway? She hasn't been to a bar since Shane and Lauren put her on lockdown and she has to admit that she could use something to get her mind off things. Plus they only banned her from alcohol; she doesn't remember them ever checking for random girls or guys under her bed, just bottles of liquor. And this might be better anyway, right? Sure, thoughts of Karma plague her all the time when she's outside of school, and sex with random strangers helps get her mind off Karma – helps her pretend that she's moving on, that she's doing something with her life other than pining after the girl she'll never have – but this is school. This is a girl Karma will see in the hallways. This is the same building that Karma lost her virginity to Liam in. It's about time Amy gets a piece of it too, that Amy gets to have a piece of the school just like Karma, gets to have that walking reminder just like Karma does.

So yes, she'll do it. She'll do her damnedest to give Carrie an orgasm.

"But," Amy says, before Carrie has a chance to speak, "this is just sex. Okay? Nothing else. I don't want a relationship, I don't want anything else. We don't even have to be friends. And we'll do it right now, right here."

"In the bathroom?"

Amy grins. "Yeah. I've never done it in a school bathroom."

Carrie hesitates, then shrugs. "Okay, yeah," she says, her face finally looking a little less red. "I guess that-"

And then Amy's lips are on hers, not even giving her a chance to finish as she pushes Carrie towards the large stall in the back. Carrie's pants are unbuttoned before Amy even closes the stall door behind them.

xxx

That night, there's a picture of Amy and Carrie making out by the lockers on the school's Tumblr page.

The next day, Carrie pulls Amy into the same bathroom, into the same stall, and kisses her before she has a chance to ask what's happening.

A week later, everyone at school knows that Amy has been fucking Carrie in the school bathroom and that it's the best sex Carrie's ever had.

Shane's proud. As soon as he hears, he pulls Amy into a hug and says, "That's my girl!"

Lauren's disappointed. She shakes her head when Amy sits down for lunch. "You're better than that, Amy," she says, and it's a conversation she and Amy have had way too many times lately for Amy's liking. "You're too good for _any _of this." And Amy knows what she means, her hand automatically going up to her neck, even though there isn't a hickey there.

The rest of the school has their attention once again firmly planted on Amy. Liam and Karma were only interesting enough to last a couple of weeks, and so the masses are ready for their next piece of gossip. Amy isn't sure how she keeps getting into these situations where everybody's attention is on her, but at least this time it isn't quite as horrible as the last time. At least now, instead of harsh glares because she cheated on Karma, there's a strange mix of people coming up and hitting on her. There's a lot of high fives from random guys. One jock even asks her for pointers.

Somehow, even without help from Karma, Amy has found a way to solidify herself as popular at Hester High. She just wishes that she wanted to be popular in the first place.

But, hey, having an almost unlimited number of people willing to screw you at the drop of the hat isn't such a bad deal, either, Amy decides after a week or two, when she sees Karma and Liam making out on the lawn. It makes her blood boil, forces the thoughts she's been actively trying to avoid for months to the surface. And she knows it doesn't do any good but there is only one way that she can think of to fix it, to make her feel like she's doing something that gives her control – another person means another piece of evidence to the world that, no matter how untrue it really is, she is over Karma.

She smiles at the next person who hits on her, stopping to talk. Ten minutes later they are in a storage closet that Oliver once told her nobody has touched since before his freshman year.

xxx

"I hope you enjoyed your stay," Amy jokes as she holds the door open for the brunette – Tina? Tammy? Tracy? – and waits for her to step into the hallway. The brunette smiles at her, face flushed, and slips out into the empty hallway. Amy glances at the time on her phone, waiting for at least one minute to pass before she too steps into the hallway.

When she closes the bathroom door behind her, she notices Lauren standing against the lockers on the other side of the hall. She grins and heads over to her step-sister, pulling her into a sideways hug.

"You're an idiot," Lauren says, stepping out of Amy's grasp. "You're having sex at _school_."

"Hey, other people do it, too," she defends herself. "And it's no big deal when they do it." Really, the only other person she can think of is Liam Booker (and Karma) but she isn't going to voice that part.

"Well, I'm sure that they're not, say, fucking _half_ the school at least three days a week?"

Amy crosses her arms. "It's not half the school. And why are you so pissed?"

"Do you even know their names?"

"Of course I –"

"Amy, don't lie to me."

"I mean, they _tell _me their names. I don't memorize them or anything."

Lauren shakes her head. "Look, I know you're still hurting, and I get it, okay? But it's been months. Don't you think it's about time you stop finding a new girl to screw every time you think of Karma?"

Amy physically flinches, tightening her arms around herself. "Okay, that was harsh."

Lauren's expression softens slightly, just enough for Amy to know that she didn't mean for it to be quite as harsh as it was. "But tell me it isn't true."

"So I use other people to keep me from thinking of Karma. Every time I wish I could kiss her I find somebody else. But does it really matter? I mean, it's not like they care. They know what they're getting themselves into, and I –"

"Amy, you're going to have to move on eventually, you know that. And this isn't helping you. You're hurting yourself, not helping yourself. I just want you to realize that. I just want you to be happy, and right now you are making yourself miserable. This isn't you, Amy. You're not the girl who just screws random people and walks away."

"Maybe that's the girl I want to be."

"Yeah, and I want to be Audrey Hepburn, but that's not the way it works. You can't just change who you are."

"I'm trying." Amy blinks away tears as they threaten to fill her eyes. "I'm really trying."

"Amy," Lauren says gently, "you're starting to scare us. Okay? We just want _you_ back. Not this person you've become."

The tears fall then, creating light tracks down her cheeks as she tries her best to wipe them away. "I don't know how," Amy admits, and as Lauren's face falls she pushes past her step-sister to walk towards her next class.

xxx

"Where have you been hiding?" the girl groans, and Amy's eyebrows furrow before she tears her lips away from the brunette's neck. She stares at the other girl in confusion – Gia, if Amy is remembering correctly – as her head leans back to hit the stall wall behind her.

"What?"

"I mean – last year nobody knew you existed," Gia elaborates, her chest heaving, the words coming out in pants. A hand reaches out and wraps behind Amy's neck, putting a little pressure, trying to get Amy to resume her previous activities. Amy resists. "It's just – if this had happened last year – a lot of lost time, y'know?"

It is somewhat disjointed but Amy understands. She knows all too well what the girl is getting at and she doesn't like it, doesn't like the thoughts it puts in her head. Gia tugs a little tighter but Amy steps further away, until Gia's hand falls from her neck.

"Where are you going?" Gia says, confused and frustrated, and her eyes finally open to look at the blonde in front of her.

Amy simply runs a hand through her hair then pulls open the stall door. "I gotta go."

She shakes her head and makes a beeline for the bathroom door. Gia groans in frustration behind her, and she swears she hears her stomp her feet, but soon enough Amy is surrounded by the silence of the hallway. Everyone else is in class – where she should be, really, and where she suddenly wishes she was. She wants noise right now, wants a bunch of loud, rude teenagers trying to shove by her, screaming dumb jokes at each other over everyone else's head.

She doesn't even know why. She hates most of the people at Hester, hates being run into in the hallway, hates having to listen to their immature conversations. It makes her roll her eyes and she always has a snarky comment about it to share with Shane or Karma (or, now, Lauren instead of Karma) later and so she isn't sure why she is suddenly craving it. It is a foreign feeling even to her, but if she were to say that she understood much of what she has felt lately, that would be a lie.

All Amy knows is that she couldn't be in that bathroom with Gia anymore. She couldn't stand the idea of Gia's 'what-could-have-been's rolling around in her head. Because where would she be now, if everything had happened a year earlier? Would she have taken things better? Worse? Maybe even the same? Would she have Shane? She wouldn't have Lauren, at least not the way she has her now – would that have made things worse? Harder? What would her life look like now?

She pauses, literally hesitating in the middle of the hallway, halfway to algebra. Where _will _she be, a year from now? What is her life going to look like? Who is she going to be?

Gia and Carrie and half of Hester may not remember the Amy she used to be, the Amy she really is, may not know her outside of her relation to Liam and Karma and fucking girls in bathrooms, may just see her as mysterious and rebellious and different. She is the girl who showed up hungover and bit back when she was barked at and almost always kept her head up and somehow became Shane's best friend. That is what Hester High sees; to most people, _that_ is Amy Raudenfeld.

Amy is tired of it. She misses who she used to be, misses watching House Hunters International and getting upset when they pick the wrong house. She misses planning scavenger hunts and making fun of Robert Pattinson and blending in in the hallway. She misses genuine smiles and being able to make sarcastic comments just because they came naturally, not because she feels like she is in the middle of the warzone. She misses feeling natural and comfortable.

She misses the Amy Raudenfeld that was best friends with Karma Ashcroft, that became friends with Shane Harvey, that drunkenly ate cake with Lauren Cooper. She misses the Amy Raudenfeld that admitted to being a lesbian to her mother on local TV and that couldn't pick up a girl in a gay bar to save her life and that nearly gagged when she first tasted the cheap beer at Shane's party.

That Amy is gone now. She will never be exactly the same; too much has happened. She has done too much, gone too far. She cannot erase these past few months. But she _can_ try. She _can _get pieces of that Amy back, can shed the parts of this skin that don't quite fit until she sees herself shining through once again.

She knows that she is still under there somewhere. She knows that she hasn't completely changed; she has simply modified, adjusted herself to try to cope with the devastation that is her ruined relationship with Karma. She has to believe that. She has to believe that all it will take is remodifying herself. That she can get back a semblance of who she was before.

Amy turns in the hallway and goes back the way she came before she has time to change her mind.

xxx

The door is already open so Amy stands awkwardly in the doorway while the middle-aged man in front of her writes something on a piece of paper. As the seconds tick by, she beings to lose her nerve, wanting more and more to just cut and run, but then his gaze turns upwards and lands on her. His expression has just a hint of surprise before he sets down his pen and pushes his rolling chair away from the desk slightly.

"What can I do for you today?" he asks, and his tone is upbeat and happy, like he is genuinely excited to have found her lurking in his doorway.

"I was wondering if I could talk to you," Amy says awkwardly, and if Shane hadn't told her once in passing that he comes down here to talk to the counselor at least once a week, she doesn't think she would have been able to do this. Although she doubts that Shane's conversations get any deeper than whining about the latest guy he set his eyes on and his parents occasionally refusing to let him use their house for parties. "About, uh, personal stuff."

"Of course. Just have a seat." He pauses as she shuffles stiffly into the room, still hovering unsurely just inside the doorway. "You can leave the door open, or you can shut it. Whatever is more comfortable for you."

Amy pulls the door closed before she heads for one of the giant, fluffy chairs in front of his desk. Then she just looks at him. How do people do this? How does Shane come talk to a man he barely knows about the things that are going on in his life?

The school counselor clears his throat. "How about we start with your name and go from there? I'm Mr. Jenkins, as I'm sure you know."

"Yeah. I'm Amy Raudenfeld."

Recognition flits across his face briefly, and she can't exactly detect what accompanies it. Was it shock? Pity? Confusion? Understanding? She doesn't know and his expression is quickly schooled back to a neutral, if not happy, state.

"Nice to meet you, Amy." He stops, waiting for her to speak, but she stays silent. "Would you like to tell me a little bit about yourself, or I could tell you a little about –"

She takes a deep breath as he talks, reminding herself that she needs to do this. That this is no longer an option. Then she cuts him off.

"I need help."


End file.
